Adoptees Hidden Pasts

Hidden Pasts

How do I see the future when I can not find my past?
How can I build foundations that I know are going to last?
With bits and pieces missing and secrets kept from me.
How do I stop the questions and find serenity?
My mind is always traveling down roads that I create.
Where quests are finally finished and much sought answers wait.
Scenarios repeat themselves with solutions changed each time.
I roll the imaginary film and endings I could find.
My head is always in the clouds my feet not near the ground.
Can you hear my constant secret prayer, the song that has no sound?
My heart will always be tied to another time and space.
Until I find the passage to that secluded hidden place.
Where it started long ago, or once upon a time.
Each day until I find the path I'm searching for those signs.
The ones that will point out the way, the direction I should go.
To solve this life long puzzle, and the past I want to know.

I am a 51 year old adoptee who is not allowed identifying information about my biological family even after 3 court petitions over the last twelve years.  I am now on my fourth.  Even with multiple ongoing health problems since the age of 15 the government denies my right to be able obtain a full family medical background.

I have no idea where I was for the two weeks after I was born and taken from my natural mother without her being allowed to see me or hold me.  I can't get any information from the hospital or the medical clinic I was born in and received prenatal care from.  I have no idea in my biological family who I look like, who I take after, or have the ability to find those who may want to know me because they don't even know I exist.  I have no names, cities, or states to search for them.  I have no idea where many of my multiple health issues stem from.

It is time for the secrecy and falsifications about adoptee's lives to stop.  It is time that we quit lying to adopted children about who they are and where they come from.  It is time that adoption agencies, institutions, and lawyers quit stealing and profitting off of children and making marketable commodities.  It is time adoptees are given the truth.

You can't find peace until you find the pieces.

Echoes - The Internal And Eternal Voices In An Adoptee's Mind

We made it through Thanksgiving YEAH.  As many adoptees know celebrating the Holidays can be extremely difficult.  So many absences felt, ghost of the missing lurking nearby even if unknown missed and thought of, and holes in the whole fabric of "family".

I have not posted this poem because I have to be honest I'm a little embarrassed about it.  I read it now and it sounds pretty sappy and pathetic.  But, I wrote it when I was on the emotional high of the pending reunion alluded to by my natural mother through the confidential intermediary and in the beautiful and emotional eight page handwritten non-identifying letter she wrote me, along with a 40th birthday card.  The reunion never happened.  And even now, eleven years later, I have to admit I still have hope someday it might.  It's a continuing conversation I have in my head with myself often.  I know as an adoptee I am not alone in this.

I mentioned to a friend how different this Holiday was for me.  You see if you count back nine months from my date of birth on August 24th you get, yes, Thanksgiving time frame.  She mentioned, since our birthdays are just a few days apart that she guessed she was too.  I let her know the difference is she has the story of her birth circumstances.  I do not, and the reality is that I may never have them.

What I do know is that if I am thinking about it, there is a good chance my natural mother is too, and perhaps me as well.  And maybe, even with the distance between us, we are still connected by it.  Now, to just get through Christmas and move on to a new year.  Maybe a year my natural mother will actually respond to my letter through the courts.  To hope my natural father will respond is too much to think about, for now.

Echoes

A child was lost along the way, we once were close now far away.
Time stands still, or so it seems, as I wait to fulfill these dreams.
Floating adrift detached from roots, of life's sweet truths I'm in pursuit.
Dreaming of the day I'll see when my love can be set free.
I'll be released, unfettered to show these feelings that only continue to grow.
Oh mother do you think of me?
Were the ties dissolved?
Are you glad you're free?
To carry on and leave me here?
Is there no bond, no feeling there?
I can't believe you need me not, or my existence you forgot.
Voices of the past still say and echo in my head today.
Connections made between two hearts, can never die nor be torn apart.
Did a simple signature sign me away?
Did it erase the memories from today?
Are there feelings left from long ago?
Is there any love deep in your soul?
For me to have?
I'd surely take, whatever gift you have to place.
Into my life, into my heart where you have always been a part.
I wait for the time that I will know when these two halves will be a whole.

© Karen

An Ungrateful Adoptee

Ungrateful: Dissatisfied, faultfinding, ingrate, thankless, unappreciative, unthankful. These are just a few synonyms my Thesaurus gives me for “ungrateful”. A word that is commonly applied to adoptees who dare to speak out about their adopted status, situations, or circumstances, and to those of us who dare to step out of society's preferred role for us in adoption and are labeled “bitter” and “angry” instead in our reactions to the system of adoption. And YES, YES I am ungrateful for all of the injustice that goes on in adoption.

For the last twelve years I have been connected with the adoption community I have watched as adoptees and first parents have been lied to, denied access to vital life saying information, and have DIED or their children did trying to obtain it, or to pass it along to biological children. Countless adoptees desperately trying to find answers to their lives with falsified information and little in the way of facts to help them.  So many too, who have spent immense amounts of time, huge amounts of money, and wasted endeavors trying to sort truth from fiction in adoption searches. And, people who have no business in OUR business dictating to us how and what we should feel about adoption.

I have sat, and still sit, ring side to the agony, sorrow, pain, and suffering of adoptees searching and yearning for the truth for far too many days I care to count.

How, could I ever BE "grateful" for this for myself, or anyone else?

Secrets, Deception & Lies OH MY!

I have waited to tackle this most sordid portion of adoption because frankly I didn't know where to start, or better, where to stop.  It's fairly easy for people to understand, in some capacity, an adoptee's need to know where they came from and their search for their families of origin, especially when it comes to health issues.  A little harder it is to persuade others regarding the civil rights stance for adoptee access to identifying information and debunk the birth mother confidentiality fallacy that's hand fed by the adoption powers that be, such as the National Council For Adoption, to the general public.  But what is even more difficult, if not nearly impossible, is convincing people of the vast corrupt nature of the business that is adoption, and the fraud and dishonesty prevalent and ongoing today.  As we who are in the midst of it know all too well, the evidence is disgustingly overwhelming.

I could go on to quote and list numerous agencies, attorneys, and numerous other persons involved in adoption corruption.  I will do that later, but not right now.  However, if you would like to do so please just type "Adoption Fraud" into your search browser and you'll see for yourself.  Most of these cases populated are adoptive parents who were defrauded by agencies or scammed by prospective birth parents.  What I do want to do right now, is relay examples of some of those that fall victim to the unethical practices in adoption.  The most innocent victims, adoptees.

Adoption Agencies Lie pulled up this site, among numerous others.  One blogger wrote about adoption agencies; "They are as noble as a car dealership."  Those of us who know AGREE!

When I first got online and discovered the adoption community I was not prepared for what I encountered.  Right off the bat I began to hear stories of coercion, lies, and duplicity.  I was shocked to say the least.  And, the most shocking of it all was that I would come to find out my own adoption search would be involved in the covert and questionable methods used in adoption.  But, that is for a whole other blog.

I've heard many, many, first mothers state they had left letters to their children they relinquished with the adoption agency if their grown children ever came looking for them.  And parents and searching adoptees discover later after reunion, these letters were "missing", or had vanished as if they never existed.  Add to that the amount of first parents and adoptees who have left letters for consent for contact in their files with agencies only to be told repeatedly upon checking back that no one was looking for them, or no match was found on the state adoption registry.  Later after finding one another through other means they recognize they have been lied to.  Adoptees who in the beginning are so prized become chattel to the adoption system once they are adopted.

I have people tell me that open adoption is far more common now and connections between adoptive children and their families remain intact.  I beg to differ.  Ask the hundreds, if not thousands, of first parents out there who have had the door slammed shut on them after being manipulated out of their newborn children for adoption with promises of whatever it took, letters, photos, and or visits.  There is no legal recourse for a natural parent to pursue the promised terms of an open adoption as adoptive parents hold all the legal rights to the child.  Their children's names have been changed, possibly their dates of birth, and any information about them is sealed by law in the majority of states.

Many times relinquishment is only given by the natural mother and the natural father is left out of the whole equation.  Many of these natural fathers are not even notified they have a child to begin with.  These agencies like to over look minor little "details" like this (as in the recent case of Grayson Vaughn) and continue to come out smelling like a rose because suing an adoption agency is costly, timely, and difficult.   Once again adoptees are treated as property and lose as they are stripped of their biological families.

I hear these stories this over, and over and over again.  All of this is INEXCUSABLE.  It is a disgrace to the institution of adoption and a blatant slap in the face to adoptees everywhere.

These adoption agencies and lawyers should be held accountable for their actions! Many of these adoption agencies operate under the definition of "non-profit" while taking in massive amounts of money for adoptions.  Adoption agencies take our heredity and family histories and sell them, and then deny our requests for our original identities.  Adoption is supposed to function in the best interest of the children it is supposed to provide for and instead, does them a great disservice. 

The Adoption industry has functioned for far too long unwatched, untended, and unregulated.  They are out there now advertising their services, marketing to birth parents, and perpetuating this cycle of greed and covetousness for other people's children.  They turn adoptees into very profitable commodities.  They violate an adoptee's civil rights!  And, it is all being done in the name of "Adoption".

Adoption And Identity Loss

"We shall not cease our explorations, and the end of our exploring will be to arrive back where we started and know the place for the first time" -- T.S. Eliot

From birth children look into their parent's eyes and mirrored back are similar smiles, eyes, voices, and faces.  In adoption that is missing.  Many people say they feel like outsiders in their biological families and that they don't fit in and try to compare that to being adopted.  I understand that in many cases this is true, but not nearly in the capacity that adoptees do with no shared heredity to the families they are adopted into.  It can make adoptees feel isolated and ostracized especially when the subject is one that is misunderstood, and is refused to be discussed and addressed in adoptive families.

I am just one example of mismatched genetics in adoption.  My adoptive parents are quiet, conservative, introverted, and undemonstrative.  I am talkative, extroverted, nonconformist, and emotional.  Neither is right or wrong.  They just are both very different.  Add to that the lack of any physical characteristics being the same, and include the expectation of an adoptee fit in, and the whole situation is set up for failure. 

When I obtained my non-identifying information and letter from my natural mother through the adoption courts (no names, cities, addresses given) I was overwhelmingly happy and surprised to learn that I am absolutely a product of genetics. From physical description, to hobbies, to personality, and even down to handwriting.  What a wonderful revelation to finally know at least a part of who and why I am.

I have had the privilege over the years to watch hundreds of reunions between adoptees and their families of origin.  To finally be able to see pieces of yourself in others physically is something adoptees appreciate and celebrate more than those who grew up with it.  Knowing where your sense of humor, your habits, likes and dislikes stem from gives you validation of who you are.  I know I am always comparing my friend's family photos and finding similarities between children and parents, sisters and brothers, grandparents and grand children.  I have watched adoptees and natural parents do the same when finally finding one another and the intense jubilation and celebration that comes for it.  Not knowing who and where you come from is a void in our lives that will always long to be filled.

Missing Ties - Adoption Loss

Missing Ties

A missing sock whose mate is gone.

A distant pair apart so long.

A broken bridge never rebuilt.

Like patches missing from a quilt.

An unfinished letter misplaced and lost.

Undotted I's and T's not crossed.

A phone line with connections broken.

Important words that can't be spoken.

And in each stranger on the street.

We search the faces that we meet,

To find out who it is we are.

The distant ties that seems so far.

Short blog today for NAAM as I am battling immense pain from the usual health issues.  Once again today I found myself defending adoptees who were called pathetic and bitter.  I am mature enough, as the accuser pointed out, to realize these accusations come from those who have no true understanding of adoptee issues.  But, the reality is they exist in our lives no matter what "others" try and tell us.  The lines of this poem are symbolic of the disconnections we encounter in this thing called "being adopted.

We have to walk these in these adopted shoes each and every day.  Adoption is not a one time transaction, it is a life time experience.  Adoption is forever not something you "get over".  We learn to deal and heal from the scars and wounds adoption gives us, and go on to hopefully give our understanding to others.

Much thanks and love to my fellow adoption educators, reformers, and activists.  You help make my life worth living.  And yes, somewhere I inherited that sappy gene...thanks first Mom & Dad. :)

Adoption And God

I'm steppping into a land mine on this one for sure.  But, I can not resign myself any longer to listen to people prattle on to me about God and adoption.  I long ago stopped being served God and adoption together on a silver platter and acquiesing to it.

I am weary of adoptive parents and others claiming, and writing poems about, God's "will" or "plan" brought adopted children to families.  Really?  Did God show up on the door step to deliver them, and if so did anyone get pictures of this blessed event?  Or, were you notified by God via phone?  Fax?  Email?  And, if so can ya hook me up?  I sure do have a pile of questions for God regarding adoption.

Was it God that chose for me to be taken from my natural mother who wanted to keep me, and to be adopted by two mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive parents who had a biological child that was loved and adored?  Was it God who then allowed me to be adopted into a system of secrets and lies and then rejected and abandoned by two sets of parents?  Was it God who gave me a body ridden with hereditary and genetic illnesses young with no recourse or help from my adoptive parents to get vital updated medical history for doctors like other nonadopted persons can?  Am I being punished for some original sin, my natural parents perhaps?

And, is it God's will that woman are impregnated through rape, or first mothers/parents murdered or killed tragically, so others can have a child?  Was it God that made adoptive parents infertile so they would have to covet other people's children and buy them?  Is it God who ordains subsidies and tax breaks for adoption? I have a hard time believing any "God" would do this to, or for, anyone.  I have a harder time believing God has anything to do with adoption.

There are certain sites on Facebook and the internet proclaiming over and over how adoption is preordained by God.  And OH how I wish these people would stop quoting bible verses to me about adoption.  I fail to see how a loving God would cause so much pain and suffering for adoptees and natural parents to create families for adoptive parents.  The bible can be used for anything you wish it to mean.  I've read it front to back several times and I'd love to apply “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth” to the adoption industry.

Here are just a few more statements that just make me cringe and writhe in anger and frustration:

"Adopted children are a gift from God".  Really?  I thought gifts were supposed to be given freely.  So, if we see a child as a gift from God, then isn't adoption "regifting"?  Also, I have never received a gift I had to pay large amounts of cash for.  Then, it wouldn't be a gift it would be a possession I bought outright, for myself.  And certainly to me and others adopted children thought of as gifts, taken from their natural parents, erasing their biological identities, and given to strangers does not seem ethical or Godly.  How does one rationalize these behaviors and decisions with God's plan?   I fail to understand.

“God answered our prayers with our adopted child".  Do prayers as adoptive parents take precedence over the prayers of a biological parent or grand parent to keep that child within the family?  Is it God's will then that these children lose their families of origin to answer the prayers of adoptive parents?  Does this mean adoptive parents are higher up on the prayer chain?

How will it be handled when adopted children begin asking about, and searching for, their biological family, IF that is they are ever told they are adopted to begin with.  So many adoptive parents believe that hiding the truth and concealing adoptees from their identies is ok and their right as the "real" parents to their adopted children.  So, it's stated in the ten commandmants “Thou shalt not lie”.  I don't remember any loop hole containing "except in adoption".  I was taught at a young age in Sunday school that lying was a sin.  Is it ok to eliminate the truth for your adopted children if you believe your intentions are good?

A comment now from the adoption book “How God brought us you”; “I appreciate how clear it's made that God brought mother and baby together.”  Clearly?  Really?  Because it doesn't seem clear at all to me.  In fact, it's pretty damn muddied.  I didn't get any announcement from the adoption court judge or confidential intermediary about God placing me where I was, nor was it in my non-identifying information.  Adoption agencies and lawyers arrange adoptions for profit and try to coerce mothers out of their children through propaganda and pie in the sky promises.  Government policy and law allows for falsifications of birth certificates for adoptees.   I sure hope “you reap what you sow” applies to all of them.

“Honor Thy Father and Mother”. Which set?  The ones who abused and rejected me, or the ones who refuse contact with me?  I'm confused on this one.

And lastly, “God doesn't give you more than you can handle” in relation to being adopted.  I call bull S&%$ on that one. No further elaboration needed just read the stories of adoptees and first parents out there, and those that have taken their lives out of sheer pain from it.

So either this is all a huge crap shoot, or this was a path that I chose to enter in life on this earth for whatever lessons and growth I needed spiritually.  The latter makes a lot more sense to me.  But I have no right to dictate to anyone else what is God's will and plan or not.

My faith, and I am stating it is MY faith and no one else's belief system, has gotten me through the difficult times of my life.  As an adoptee I am not a gift, I am not an answer to anyone's prayers, and I don't thank God for being adopted.  I don't believe God had anything to do with my being adopted.  My experience is that the era of stigma and shame over women becoming pregnant out of wedlock and unmarried, and a social experiment that was created by government agencies and institutions called closed records adoption, were.

So, if you believe God brings people children through adoption that is your right.  Just remember that does not give anyone the authority to decree what is God's intention, or not, when it comes to adoption.  No one can claim to have proof or the answers, nor will we ever.  None of us.