Assembling Self

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Adoption Educating

I've decided, in the limbo I am in waiting to be able to petition the adoption court again for the other half of my medical history, to educate the new Confidential Intermediary I have.  This is the fourth CI I believe I have had in the last 12 years of petitioning for identifying information about my biological family.  The first CI Jane was wonderful.  She was understanding, helpful, and seemed to be very supportive of a reunion between my birth mother and myself even helping facilitate communication between my birth mother and myself via the court to set up a relationship to expand upon later in person.  Then enter the second CI, Lita Bishop.  It was then my "reunion" went south.  Lita was cold and unconcerned and even went so far as to tell an adoptee who I sent to her, adopted out of the same county court system, "You know these birth mothers really don't want to be found".  This statement before she had even had any idea if her birth family did or did not want contact or the adoptee's adoption situation.  I was ABHORRED to say the least!  I was so glad to learn Lita Bishop was gone.  Hopefully she retired and took her closed minded judgemental attitudes and practices with her. 

The third CI I don't remember well as years passed without much contact with the court system.  This fourth one seems nice and willing to help but really...when you pull up an adoptee's file PLEASE read carefully and do NOT give them inaccurate, SENSITIVE, soul wrenching information and then take it back with a statement of "Wait, let me reread this I don't really understand it either".  SO, I have decided I will write a letter to this CI and help educate her to the facts, feelings, and rights of those of us whose lives are separated through adoption deserve.

If I can't change my plight then perhaps I can change someone else's.

I will write this letter very carefully.  I will bite my tongue alot I am sure and attempt to make this current CI aware of the facts.  Adoption is NOT a "fix all" for children.  She needs to know that not ALL adoptees have this wonderful new home and family.  Adoption is not hearts, flowers, and teddy bears and love and hugs.  It is painful, excruciatingly so many times, and especially for the children especially those who are not welcomed unconditionally with open arms.

I will never be accepted for who I am by my adoptive family.  They have a biological child for that now.  I have spent decades trying to be someone my parents and everyone else will love and feeling unworthy.  I am not their child I never will be.  I think I knew this when I was young around eight and my adoptive mother turned and said with a smirk "No wonder your mother gave you away."  The truth in that statement did not fully unfold to me for decades.  Until one day in pondering my adoptive situation did I realize that she really did not see herself as my "mother" she still saw me as "someone else's child".

I was not the blank slate my adoptive parents thought they were getting.  I am not quiet, or a fundamentalist, or a conformist.  I never will be.  I do not blame my adoptive parents for their belief system as the adoption system set them up just as they did me and my birth family.  I am rejected by two sets of parents and family.  I could not wish this fate on anyone.  The pain will never be gone but it is managable now.  I view life through eyes no one can comprehend except perhaps other adoptees who have walked, and still walk, in my shoes.   I am no longer alone to be told it doesn't matter and life is what we make of it.  Those are words spoken by well meaning, good intentioned, uninformed persons who have been brain washed by the adoption industry.  Those that have not had the very biological foundations erased out of their lives.  I have made the best of it...I try and change the lives of others.

For years I have not wanted to hurt my birth mother knowing that what she thought she was doing for the best for me turned into a never ending nightmare for her child.  I am not the kind of person to guilt anyone into loving me either.  I have wanted to spare her the inevitable pain of finding out her child was abused and rejected.  But, I can no longer sacrifice myself and the truth about my life for others.

This CI needs to know the truth.  I will cc the judge that presides over my case as well, and anyone else in the court office.  I am also going to include that I want a copy for my birth mother and father in my file if they ever chose to receive it.  It's time they all hear the truth.  It's time to end the system of closed records adoption forever.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Another Father's Day I wonder if....................

I thought perhaps after being told by my birth mother that my birth father had abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant, along with his family they wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy she said, that he was young and niave and perhaps he knew later on the mistake he had made in abandoning us.  I made excuses for his actions, probably self protection, because as a parent I couldn't fathom having a child out there and not wanting to know about them.  So, when I petitioned the Adoption court for the second time and they found my birth father and he wanted no part of me it was a shock, as it would be for almost anyone.

The Confidential Intermediary stated he never claimed to be my birth father but never denied it either.  And, that he was not willing to sign anything, meaning, he didn't want to "claim" me.  When asked for medical history the CI said he responded to my request with "I understand her need for medical history but everyone in our family is healthy."  So basically, he still washes his hands of me to this day and, nothing has changed that I know of.

A lot of focus in searching is usually in regards to your birth mother as she was the one who gave you life.  The birth father usually enters the picture second.  I've spent alot of years focusing on searching for and hoping for a relationship with my birth mother.  I don't think much of my birth father as a person or a man.  I say that without knowing anything but what my birth mother wrote to me and his denying my petition to the courts for information.  For me that speak volumes.  Today is the one day of the year I can't help but wonder how easy it was for my birth father to leave me behind and build a life with another family.  How does any person walk out of their child's life once, and then again knowing they are ill and in need of medical history still denying them anything?  If out of 364 days of the year it's easy to forget about me could this one day be different?  I will always wonder if...

I wonder if

I wonder if he thinks of me,
and if he does just what he sees.
If trapped in corners in his mind,
are thoughts of me from time to time.
Does this day bring back the past,
and if so the fate he cast.
When he walked the other way,
no hesitation, no delay.
Was I discarded easily?
No remorse, no memories?
On this day I wonder if.
You even remember I exist?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Time - The Petition (yet again) for ID info

I have to wait another few months before the Adoption court will repetition my birth parents (I know I know old school adoption reform activist I am politically incorrect in that "term" sorry) for ID medical or any information period.  In "Adoption Land" time is everything.  We try and be patient and wait.  But, people pass, people get lost, and we lose so much in "waiting mode".  It can be agonizing.  I am not in bad company which is a huge blessing I have so many that walk my shoes.  In the meantime I will fight the good fight....for truth and honesty in adoption policy.


Traces of past memories and shadows of the ghosts.
From another place and time I catch a glimpse at most.
Invisible are the barriers that are keeping me restrained.
From discovering hidden truths I'm so desperate to obtain.
Through obscure and secret passages through storms and
pouring rain, for remnants from so long ago I search and search
in vain.
Anxious to finally discover desperate to put to an end.
The anguish that's my enemy to make peace my final friend.
It's all I need to fill my life with content are those two names.
Until that time I live between the agony and the pain.