Assembling Self

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Powers That Be

The Powers That Be
(written regarding adoption agencies, judges, lawyers, and bureaucracies)

You took away my family.
You took away my home.
You erased away my history,
now most of it is gone.

What gives to you the right
to do this injustice unto me?
How can you be so blinded?
How is it you can't see?

Your stealing from the innocent
are you so unaware?
You're playing God with all our lives.
Did you think we wouldn't care?

Who gave to you the authority
to decide how we will live?
Who granted you this power?
It was not theirs to give.

You treat us as possessions.
We are not yours to own.
How did you get the notion,
you can tell me where is home?

Do not dictate to me about
how I should live my life
or who I can call mother,
then take away my rights.

The answers to life's questions,
you say I need not know.
You're asking the impossible,
the questions only grow.

What it is I'm asking for is
for you to understand.
Until I have those answers,
I can not know who it is I am!

The land of make believe

It's fairy tales and fantasy.  It's the realm from daydreams to nightmares.  It's what books and movies are based on.  But for many of us it is our life.

I remember being told I was adopted very young perhaps five.  My parents had told me this perplexing news then stopped at that.  It opened up so many questions, unending ones.  It was puzzling being told something of this depth and magnitude and then shutting the vault and closing the book on it forever.  It didn't make sense to me, it still doesn't, it never will.  Don't ask don't tell should have been the motto for adoption not the army.

I dreamed as a child I was a long lost princess, ok not so far fetched for a child, but as I grew older my dreams matured I wondered if there was a mother out there weeping for her lost child?  Was she dead or alive?  Where did she live and where was the rest of my "family"?  Everytime I heard that song "Somewhere out there" I cried.  I hate to admit it but sometimes I still do.

I will never ever (and did I mention EVER?) understand or believe it is good sound reasoning to base a person's life on falsified records, secrets, and hidden truths.  In what capacity did anyone think at some point in time the wheels would not come off this malformed, unaligned, misshapen, vehicle called adoption.  It has broken down, come unglued and apart at the hinges, and now it's time for a massive overhaul.  It's not too late, it's never too late, I will never give up the fight.

And as usual I'll end with my Mantra:  If we teach our children to tell the truth then first we must tell it to them.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Hip Hip HURRAY!!! The Holidays are OVER. Gone gone are the lights, the decorations, the commercials, and the much over played Christmas songs. But mostly, gone are the days of watching others, wishing for the gift you have always dreamed of, that of knowing where you came from, who the people are you are biologially bound to. Where are they, who are they, what celebration is theirs, traditions, Holiday foods, and mostly what are they doing during this season? Are there family hierloom glass balls that decorate the tree collected over the years is it fake or real? Will there be a feast with favorite foods made with love prepared especially for children, or grandchildren, or father's, or grandparents, special places and events attended and enjoyed together times that will remain engrained in photos and memories? No, I am not niave enough to believe life is Norman Rockwell's version but from what I've witnessed over these decades watching.....always watching as an outsider it's pretty amazing.

It's not what people want to hear that the adoption system is not what they think it is. I talk about adoption reform, activism, and education but I've also learned when to shut up and when I've over saturated the minds of those that do not want to be convinced or their adoption bubble burst when they learn it is not the magical hearts and flowers fairy tale ending for barren couples and children without homes. I found that out the hard way, which is the way I seem to like to do everything, when I am inevitably left with people cocking their head's doing the - blink- blink- eyes as cartoon characters do when they are totally perplexed by something beyond their comprehension. Hiding just makes sense.

It is draining this pretending during this time of year. I could be an actress now a very famous one in fact because I would need no training or classes or direction really. I can be all people, anyone you choose, fall into any role or character because I have done this all of my life without even trying. When you have no idea who you are and no connection to anyone it leaves you with a certain "je ne said quoi" about the reality everyone else bases their lives upon. The invisible bond the rest of the world has with their families that only you truly see is the glue that not only holds the world together but keeps it going round magnified during November and December.

I can now take off the mask and fake smile off and put them away for awhile. It's not my true nature really since I have found the freedom in the last ten years to BE myself (as much as I can with limited resources and information about genetics and heredity). I can now look forward to my favorite Holidays Valentine's Day, May Day (as a child this was one of my favorite's), the start of a New Year, and the coming of spring. Maybe my Christmas gift each year is the ability to see what's truly important in life from eyes very few will ever see through.