Echoes - The Internal And Eternal Voices In An Adoptee's Mind

We made it through Thanksgiving YEAH.  As many adoptees know celebrating the Holidays can be extremely difficult.  So many absences felt, ghost of the missing lurking nearby even if unknown missed and thought of, and holes in the whole fabric of "family".

I have not posted this poem because I have to be honest I'm a little embarrassed about it.  I read it now and it sounds pretty sappy and pathetic.  But, I wrote it when I was on the emotional high of the pending reunion alluded to by my natural mother through the confidential intermediary and in the beautiful and emotional eight page handwritten non-identifying letter she wrote me, along with a 40th birthday card.  The reunion never happened.  And even now, eleven years later, I have to admit I still have hope someday it might.  It's a continuing conversation I have in my head with myself often.  I know as an adoptee I am not alone in this.

I mentioned to a friend how different this Holiday was for me.  You see if you count back nine months from my date of birth on August 24th you get, yes, Thanksgiving time frame.  She mentioned, since our birthdays are just a few days apart that she guessed she was too.  I let her know the difference is she has the story of her birth circumstances.  I do not, and the reality is that I may never have them.

What I do know is that if I am thinking about it, there is a good chance my natural mother is too, and perhaps me as well.  And maybe, even with the distance between us, we are still connected by it.  Now, to just get through Christmas and move on to a new year.  Maybe a year my natural mother will actually respond to my letter through the courts.  To hope my natural father will respond is too much to think about, for now.

Echoes

A child was lost along the way, we once were close now far away.
Time stands still, or so it seems, as I wait to fulfill these dreams.
Floating adrift detached from roots, of life's sweet truths I'm in pursuit.
Dreaming of the day I'll see when my love can be set free.
I'll be released, unfettered to show these feelings that only continue to grow.
Oh mother do you think of me?
Were the ties dissolved?
Are you glad you're free?
To carry on and leave me here?
Is there no bond, no feeling there?
I can't believe you need me not, or my existence you forgot.
Voices of the past still say and echo in my head today.
Connections made between two hearts, can never die nor be torn apart.
Did a simple signature sign me away?
Did it erase the memories from today?
Are there feelings left from long ago?
Is there any love deep in your soul?
For me to have?
I'd surely take, whatever gift you have to place.
Into my life, into my heart where you have always been a part.
I wait for the time that I will know when these two halves will be a whole.

© Karen