Assembling Self

Friday, November 12, 2010

Adoption And God

I'm steppping into a land mine on this one for sure.  But, I can not resign myself any longer to listen to people prattle on to me about God and adoption.  I long ago stopped being served God and adoption together on a silver platter and acquiesing to it.

I am weary of adoptive parents and others claiming, and writing poems about, God's "will" or "plan" brought adopted children to families.  Really?  Did God show up on the door step to deliver them, and if so did anyone get pictures of this blessed event?  Or, were you notified by God via phone?  Fax?  Email?  And, if so can ya hook me up?  I sure do have a pile of questions for God regarding adoption.

Was it God that chose for me to be taken from my natural mother who wanted to keep me, and to be adopted by two mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive parents who had a biological child that was loved and adored?  Was it God who then allowed me to be adopted into a system of secrets and lies and then rejected and abandoned by two sets of parents?  Was it God who gave me a body ridden with hereditary and genetic illnesses young with no recourse or help from my adoptive parents to get vital updated medical history for doctors like other nonadopted persons can?  Am I being punished for some original sin, my natural parents perhaps?

And, is it God's will that woman are impregnated through rape, or first mothers/parents murdered or killed tragically, so others can have a child?  Was it God that made adoptive parents infertile so they would have to covet other people's children and buy them?  Is it God who ordains subsidies and tax breaks for adoption? I have a hard time believing any "God" would do this to, or for, anyone.  I have a harder time believing God has anything to do with adoption.

There are certain sites on Facebook and the internet proclaiming over and over how adoption is preordained by God.  And OH how I wish these people would stop quoting bible verses to me about adoption.  I fail to see how a loving God would cause so much pain and suffering for adoptees and natural parents to create families for adoptive parents.  The bible can be used for anything you wish it to mean.  I've read it front to back several times and I'd love to apply “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth” to the adoption industry.

Here are just a few more statements that just make me cringe and writhe in anger and frustration:

"Adopted children are a gift from God".  Really?  I thought gifts were supposed to be given freely.  So, if we see a child as a gift from God, then isn't adoption "regifting"?  Also, I have never received a gift I had to pay large amounts of cash for.  Then, it wouldn't be a gift it would be a possession I bought outright, for myself.  And certainly to me and others adopted children thought of as gifts, taken from their natural parents, erasing their biological identities, and given to strangers does not seem ethical or Godly.  How does one rationalize these behaviors and decisions with God's plan?   I fail to understand.

“God answered our prayers with our adopted child".  Do prayers as adoptive parents take precedence over the prayers of a biological parent or grand parent to keep that child within the family?  Is it God's will then that these children lose their families of origin to answer the prayers of adoptive parents?  Does this mean adoptive parents are higher up on the prayer chain?

How will it be handled when adopted children begin asking about, and searching for, their biological family, IF that is they are ever told they are adopted to begin with.  So many adoptive parents believe that hiding the truth and concealing adoptees from their identies is ok and their right as the "real" parents to their adopted children.  So, it's stated in the ten commandmants “Thou shalt not lie”.  I don't remember any loop hole containing "except in adoption".  I was taught at a young age in Sunday school that lying was a sin.  Is it ok to eliminate the truth for your adopted children if you believe your intentions are good?

A comment now from the adoption book “How God brought us you”; “I appreciate how clear it's made that God brought mother and baby together.”  Clearly?  Really?  Because it doesn't seem clear at all to me.  In fact, it's pretty damn muddied.  I didn't get any announcement from the adoption court judge or confidential intermediary about God placing me where I was, nor was it in my non-identifying information.  Adoption agencies and lawyers arrange adoptions for profit and try to coerce mothers out of their children through propaganda and pie in the sky promises.  Government policy and law allows for falsifications of birth certificates for adoptees.   I sure hope “you reap what you sow” applies to all of them.

“Honor Thy Father and Mother”. Which set?  The ones who abused and rejected me, or the ones who refuse contact with me?  I'm confused on this one.

And lastly, “God doesn't give you more than you can handle” in relation to being adopted.  I call bull S&%$ on that one. No further elaboration needed just read the stories of adoptees and first parents out there, and those that have taken their lives out of sheer pain from it.

So either this is all a huge crap shoot, or this was a path that I chose to enter in life on this earth for whatever lessons and growth I needed spiritually.  The latter makes a lot more sense to me.  But I have no right to dictate to anyone else what is God's will and plan or not.

My faith, and I am stating it is MY faith and no one else's belief system, has gotten me through the difficult times of my life.  As an adoptee I am not a gift, I am not an answer to anyone's prayers, and I don't thank God for being adopted.  I don't believe God had anything to do with my being adopted.  My experience is that the era of stigma and shame over women becoming pregnant out of wedlock and unmarried, and a social experiment that was created by government agencies and institutions called closed records adoption, were.

So, if you believe God brings people children through adoption that is your right.  Just remember that does not give anyone the authority to decree what is God's intention, or not, when it comes to adoption.  No one can claim to have proof or the answers, nor will we ever.  None of us.


  1. I guess infertility is more than some people can handle so God had to invent adoption.

    Great Blog Karen!

  2. "So, if we see a child as a gift from God, then isn't adoption "regifting"?"

    Amid that sad truthfulness of this post, I found myself laughing out loud at these words!! I have often said that children are a gift from God ~ to the parents the child is born to. I never carried that thought further to get to the "regifting" idea.

    I have always said that parents were the gift I gave my son. Even when I was deep in denial, I never felt that giving my son up for adoption was giving him as a gift to somebody. I know NOBODY on this earth that would deserve my child as a gift. Nobody.

    This is a great post, I may link to it in my next post.

  3. Hahahaha, Gaye!!! And yes, I spit out my coffee at the "re-gifting" line.

    I can't stand the "gift" theory. I can't stand people using God's name in order to justify purchasing a child.

    No one is "called by God" to adopt, nor is it in his "plan" 'will" or his goggle caledar. It's so ridiculous and truly messes up a kid's concept about God.

  4. Link away Susie, and Gaye you should read the blog I read today on IVF, egg/sperm donation and God UGH. I have to admit I did chuckle too at the regifting thought I had, I remember a Seinfeld episode about it, and I thought well isn't adoption the ultimate in regifting??? If I didn't laugh guys, I'd go insane over the stuff I am told and expected to believe in adoption every day from people who have no idea about it, nor have they lived it.

  5. Great post.The mega-adopters who are allowed multiple adoptions in order to do god's will have certainly sewn up their salvation hey?

  6. Von and for shock value I tell religious people I don't believe I'm going to hell, I've already been there. I was adopted. ;)

  7. Good for you. Keep saying it. God is not the adoption whisperer.

  8. Without faith, we can't see God or the wonders He performs in everyday life.

  9. Jessica I LIKE that "God is not an adoption whisperer". Sherrie with out my faith I don't know where I might be, and it applies to trying to right the ills and wrongs done in adoption by man.

  10. "I have never received a gift I had to pay large amounts of cash for."

    And God obviously believes in supporting child traffickers and baby brokers with the tens of thousands in "fees"...traffickers and brokers who steal and kidnap children, forge papers and sell them to orphanages!

    And yes: Though shalt not lie...except in adoption. And that includes priests, nuns, ministers, etc who lied to mothers and told them their children were being placed with highly screened professionals of their religion of choice...

    They have lied to returning adoptees and mothers telling each the other did not return, looking for them.

    These same clergy lied to mothers and told them "You'll forget and get on with out life."

    They lied to mothers telling them they'd all go on to have other children. favorite...they counseled mothers to keep it all a secret, lying to everyone in their life including any men they dated or married!

    The secrets of adoption are state sanctioned - with a government issued falsified birth certificate allowing parents to lie and never tell their adopted kids the truth cause the false BC lists the adopters as the parents "of birth"!

    Lies, all lies.

    And even people like the Vaughns who held a child illegally after ordered by the court to return him, cite "God." But then, so do most sociopaths on death row.

    BTW, there must be a different God in Australia. There they apologized for pressuring mothers into adoption and have stopped doing it, reducing domestic adoption to almost none. Guess God just likes Aussies more than us.

  11. Mirah my religious adoptive mother told me I was sick because I wasn't living my life according to the word of God. Couldn't be that the laundry list of serious diseases and health issues that ran in one side of my biological family and people dieing at an early age had anything to do with it right? Nawww had to be God.

  12. Then there's the tenth Commandment, which forbids coveting anything belonging to our neighbors. Are our neighbors' babies exempted from that one?

  13. Hello, and thanks for the comment on my blog :) I thought I would try and provide another voice to the debate. Let me tell you a few things about myself to clear up any confusion before it can begin. My husband and I are not infertile. We are not adopting an infant. And yes, we are Christians through and through... that is, disciples of Jesus Christ.

    The Bible tells us that God works all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. God should not get the black eye for the horrible things that happen in the world today such as terrorism, rape, child abuse, parents abandoning their children, social injustice, slavery, murder. God is God and he is perfect and holy and all the things I just mentioned are SIN. However, God can work through all circumstances to redeem what would be broken otherwise. For example, I was in a horrible emotionally abusive relationship for two years of my life with an older man. At the end of the relationship I emerged barely recognizable. I was bitter, hurt, scared, had become controlling from being controlled, etc. Today I don't resent the relationship. There is a small part of me that wishes it never happened but on the flip side I have learned how a man shouldn't treat a woman and how to forgive. I have been able to counsel other girls who went through the same thing. So God has worked what could have destroyed my life for my good and I praise him for that!

    I believe the Lord would have all families be united, loving, secure. He wouldn't have mothers abandon their children or fathers abuse, rape, etc their children. But the statistic of orphans remains. And these children are not mere numbers for a statistic. They are living people, defenseless children who can't speak up for themselves. I agree children shouldn't be adopted if their birthparents are still alive and want to parent the children. but for children whose parents are dead or missing (or have abandoned their child), I don't see how life in an orphanage or endlessly bouncing around in foster care is healing or the solution.

    We can all agree there is something wrong with the world and we are all evidence of that. Who among us has never lied, never hurt anyone, never done a single thing wrong? Our lack of perfection (aka sin) is why the world is so messed up. God has the power to heal us and redeem us and already gave his son for us in our place. God wants us to be healed in spirit and soul because this life is temporary. I have suffered from a lot of physical pain over the past few years and it would be easy for me to blame God for it. Instead my heart clings to him even more and is given hope that he has healed what really counts... my heart.

    "Adopted children are a gift from God" -- how about ALL children are a gift from God. In fact, all people are a gift from God. Life is from God alone and I think first and foremost I belong to him, not my mother and father.

    “God doesn't give you more than you can handle” -- this is not out of the Bible. It's similar to a verse which says he will not tempt you beyond your strength. It's one of those bumper sticker sayings that has found its way into doctrine but has no actual support. I believe God gives some people much too much to handle so that they would realize who is all-powerful. Not us, but him alone. He doesn't want his children, us, to seek anyone but him.

    "How will it be handled when adopted children begin asking about, and searching for, their biological family, IF that is they are ever told they are adopted to begin with." -- honesty and open communication is important. We plan to be open with our kids about this now and always. If they want to find their birthparents we will be the first to help them.

    I feel like my comment has gotten completely disjointed but hopefully it was was helpful and informative! I would end by saying being a parent is a privilege, a job, a blessing. And out of the broken, destroyed, and ruined God can work miracles in anyone's life.

    1. There is a difference between God giving us free will, and us having to accept the bad things that happen in the world just because supposedly God puts them to good purpose. And you know what? Those two ideas are contradictory. Either God gives us free will or he doesn't. God's not putting anything to any purpose; he's leaving it up to us to decide how to treat one another, and how to deal with the aftermath of those choices.

      God already gave us a universe to live in. It's up to us to decide what to do with it. There is no one to blame when bad things happen except the laws of nature and the actions of people.

      Next time you find someone in distress, don't preach at them. Just help them. If you can tell the worth of a tree by its fruit... start bearing.

  14. I was trying to post a response but had computer problems. My friend was having problems posting so I will add her response here in two parts as it is long, and then do my best to add my own. This is from Bobby: Katie,
    “I am always interested to know what adoptees feel on all issues. It gives me insight on how to prepare for parenting my child(ren).”
    Really? You deleted my post. Guess you didn’t like what I had to say. And what was it that you called us? Oh, yes, “jaded and hurt adoptees” I wonder if your adopted children say something you don’t like, or they turn out to be like thousands of other adoptees, jaded and hurt, if you will just delete them.

    Many of us adoptees are jaded and hurt, because of the very thing you are trying to do, adopt. As a matter of fact, not only are many of us jaded and hurt, we are downright pissed off, because of adoption.

    Adoption is barbaric to say the least. Adoption is an industry, a business, supply and demand, and money exchanges hands for the product, a child. You can call it anything you want, lawyer’s fees, court costs, paying the mother directly, government fees, but you are still paying for a child.

    Adoption falsifies birth records. Strips the child of their name, heritage, medical information, and first family. The original birth certificates and identifying information is put into a folder and sealed, never allowing the adoptee to possess what is rightfully theirs by God. This robs the child of their true identity and forces the child to conform to a false identity and forever searching for their true self. That means destroying the very soul that God created them to be.

    You seem to be under this impression that mother’s abandoned their child to adoption. In adoption we find that mothers that have given up their child to adoption of their own free will are the minority. So are the adoptees that are happy that they have been adopted and do not wish to search for their family. The majority in adoption are mothers that were in one way or another bullied, intimidated, threatened, and made to feel that crap by a greedy industry to take their child so they could turn a profit.

    Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Mothers are told that because they young, or poor or don’t have an education that their child will be better off with a 2 parent, financially stable, educated couple. Well, nothing could be farther from the truth. No family is perfect, people get divorced, lose their jobs, don’t finish their education, or worse, abuse the very child they adopted. When these things happen to an adopted child, they lose again, and in the end, the child would have been better off with their mother. Their mother may have been young, uneducated, and broke, but the child would have been loved, safe, and where they belonged to being with.
    That is only one of the lies spun by the adoption industry to get the child. They not only lie to the first moms, they also lie to the adopted parents and adoptees. They tell them lies about the adoptees information such as medical information ( if they have it) birthdate, city, state, and hospital of birth, if there are siblings, they do not update the information for the aparents, they do not deliver pictures, letters, or objects ( baby blanket, hospital band) from the first mom to the aparents. Adoptees are told that their files and identifying information that is theirs by law all of the sudden cannot be located or destroyed in a mysterious flash flood or fire. The adoption industry does a very good at covering their corrupted butts. These are not isolated events, this happens every day to moms, aparents, and adoptees, and is a theme that runs throughout many adoption agencies.

  15. Part two from Bobby: What upsets me more than anything are my fellow Christians, my fellow brothers and sisters, believing that all this is ok and it’s better to adopt than help the mother keep her child or keep the child in the original family and country of origin. They continue to use God as a justification for their own needs to adopt. Why not use that money to help educate a mother, or help with food, bills, watch her child so she can go to school or work. But for God’s sake, don’t take the child from her or their family or country! International adoption? My fellow Christians why are we not asking ourselves what does that community needs to help raise ‘THEIR” children? Do they need a school to be built, a hospital, business? My fellow Christians what will it take to help these families keep their children so they don’t end up in orphanages to begin with? We Christians got a lot of nerve and are arrogant to believe that we must save these children by removing then form their homes, families, and communities. Charity begins at home! That means helping keeping these children where they belong, in their HOME! God is for family/community preservation, not family separation and community devastation. But we Christians are so damn self- righteous that we believe that the only way to help these orphans is to run into someone’s country, grab the orphaned children and leave behind the child’s family, language, culture, religion, and let the rest of the child’s community in that country go to hell. Then what does the child have when they return home? They have nothing but aparents that can say, “Look what we saved you from. Aren’t you so grateful to be adopted? We chose you out of all the other orphans here. You are such a gift from God to us.”

    What about the orphans in our own backyard? Children that are in foster care. Children with disabilities. Children that are dying and have no family to care for them while they will soon be with their true father. The “unadoptable.” If adoption is so great then why are these kids are labeled “unadoptable” Because in the business word of the adoption industry, there is no demand for these children.

    Adoption is not God’s will, adoption is our will.

    Adoption is just not necessary in today’s age or society. There is guardianship or kinship guardianship. There is absolutely no reason or justification for adoption when there are clearly so many other options that are better for the child in the long term

  16. Katie finally my computer seems to be working enough to comment so here goes: I have studied the bible, the history of the bible, and many religions because I wanted my faith to be based in real knowledge not from what anyone else told me or wanted me to believe. Growing up in a fundamentalist religion, and then marrying into other faiths, and having friends of other faiths there are just so many factions, and branches, and segments of religions who believe their faith is the correct one and what this "bible" is supposed to mean to us it's overwhelming and confusing. I set out to learn for myself.

    The bible was written by men, translated, edited, copied, and books thrown out and burned by men. Do I believe it was inspired by God, sure. Do I take it literally, no. So, "what the bible says" doesn't hold a lot of credence for me. It's a great history book and a source of some spiritual inspiration but it's not the be all and end all for many people of "faith". Are you aware there were dozens of texts that were thrown out and then changed according to what Constantine and the Ecumenical Council deemed people needed to hear and be taught? Once again, the bible and it's "interpretations" are of men not God. My Mom also said she heard voices and God spoke to her but she is also a schizophrenic. I do wonder about those who say God speaks to them who are locked up in insane asylums. Maybe we over look what they say, maybe they are truly crazy, maybe God does speak to people I can't say I am an expert on that. What I can say is that no one can claim to "know" what God says they can think it, but it's not proof. And, I have a hard time believing God is a "he" and imagining him with male anatomy. Did you know the original bible referred to God also as "mother" but that was edited out and any references pertaining to it were deleted and considered heresy from about the 3rd century on. Once again, by men. There have been dozens of scriptures, scrolls, and religious texts discovered pre and post-bible that were hidden from being destroyed or discovered after the completion of the bible that question the authority and authenticity of the bible we have and know today.

    I think Jesus is a fine example to follow for anyone. So are other great spiritual leaders throughout time. But, back to where this applies to adoption, or more importantly...doesn't.

    Adoption is a legal institution created by man. Money exchanges hands between adoptive parents its customers and children (adoptees) who are its commodities. It is commerce plain and simple and has functioned as such for the last century or more.

    I believe in guardianship as well. Adoption paperwork doesn't make anyone a parent. Love and caring for children does. There will always be a need for children to have good homes, unfortunately. How this is done makes all the difference in their lives. Adoption as we know it needs a huge overhaul and the laws men have created that surround it and the huge industry that has resulted from it needs to be stopped.

    I have heard Jesus said "let the children come to me" but I'm fairly certain he didn't mean so we could treat them as chattel and profit from the transaction in our attempt to "own" them. Once again, I am not saying this for shock value or out of any disrespect. I am saying this as an adoptee who has experienced this at the archaic, fraudulent, secretive system of adoption firsthand. God is God. Adoption is Adoption. Let not what man has joined together be deemed as good, or worthy, or the "will" of God. It simply can't be proven. Ever.

  17. I just found this blog - nice work.

    I am so sorry for what you have been put through – I couldn’t begin to comprehend how much you’ve had to suffer through that you never should have had to, and definitely not at such a young age! Thank you for sharing your honest opinions. There are things wrong with the system, and clueless people like me need people like you who know what’s wrong to tell us, and to work to improve the situation.

    That said, would you rather have been sent to an orphanage than be placed in a new family? Do you think God had nothing to do with your life? You must have some insight into my favorite passage in the Bible, Ezekiel 16 (the first part). God tells us to care for the orphan, and any time we are given the strength to make good on his commands, the strength comes from the Holy Spirit – from God. But I may be speaking out of ignorance.

  18. Thank you. Honestly in my case yes liberstatum I lived hell through the mental illness of my adoptive mother and addiction to pills and the constant abuse emotionally, mentally, verbally, and physically by my adoptive parents. I can say that in my case I don't speak for any other adoptee but myself.

    Wayne Dyer a great spiritual leader grew up in an orphanage and look where he is today. Lots of children grow up in poverty and diverse circumstances and go one to become great people. Adoption has always sent the message that a two parent well to do home is better than anything else out there. It is simply not true.

  19. thank you for saying this truth. adoption causes a mother to die. whether it is soul murder or suicide. that the church pats itself on the back for this theft and the scant monies it makes to completely ruin a woman's life is insane. that it thinks this crime is god sanctioned is even more moronic.