Assembling Self

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Mother Unknown

Mother Unknown

Time moves so slow and minutes last like hours passing, never fast.
The days roll on months seem like years, I lose the count of falling tears.
An endless cycle of seasons flow and questions continually unanswered grow.
It never ceases nor does it stop, I'm bound by calendar and clock.
While prayers and dreams have only grown, for a mother never known.
Futile attempts to change this fate though hope burns dim, I still will wait.

It's just the strangest thing ever not knowing who your biological mother is.  I never really thought about my bio father much, not until the courts found him in 2003.  Both however, want to remain unknown.  So, here I wait to hear back about my court petition. If all I get is updated medical at this point in time with my health I'll take it.  In limbo again waiting on this for the fourth time.  It could be days, or weeks, or months who knows.

I hate how weak I feel about it sometimes.  And, throw in health issues, pain, and a virus, and I'm reduced to a sniveling, and literally too with this cold, whimpering, blubbering fool.  I am so not proud of that. 

Of course my situation with adoption search for biological family is magnified with the rejection from my adoptive family.  So, I've lost two mothers.  I remember telling my marriage counselor once jokingly "I have double mother rejection syndrome".  And in all seriousness, being an adoptive mother and understanding the issues she went through with her biological daughter, stated matter of factly "No Karen, you really do".  And, the truth shall set you free.

I think it was then, before owning my first computer and getting online to meet and greet and world of adoption, I realized how largely these rejection issues played out in my life.  Why I chose people who abused and rejected me.  Why I picked people I had take care of because of the dysfunction of having a mentally ill adoptive mother unable to cope with life.  I actually believed I could make someone love me.

It's not that I am looking for parents anymore it's not about that.  It's about having the truth, being able to see photographs, know names, and where you came from.  Relationships with them are secondary to me now.

I got a look inside "myself" in the non-id letter I received from my biological mother 12 years ago.  My bio father was found as well.  So, I have given them the chance to want to know me.  I'm getting weary of this long high stakes game of adoption search and wait with my bioligical parents.  My poker face is starting to fade.  Let's see if they are willing to ante up, show their cards, or fold and walk away again.


  1. I find it so sad that adoptees are subjected to this cat and mouse game, it's so sick and cruel.

  2. And twisted Von. I know people aren't guaranteed good decent parents who do the right thing for their children, I got four? Really? Don't even get me started on the government who perpetuates this game too. (sigh).

    I wonder to this day what lies in the bank vault of documents my adoptive father has the key to. I bet there are my adoption files with ID info on it. I'm not a betting person, but I'd wager a good deal on this one saying there is.

  3. Being adopted is so. freaking. hard. It's not an event, it's a life. We live it, and no one lets us forget it.


    It is very, very strange to find out who we might have been when we're already adults, way past the bloom of youth. What are we meant to do with this information? How do we integrate it into who we are? Can we?