Sick and tired of being sick and tired about adoption and ill health!

Thank God for the understanding I get from the adoption community.  Just about the time I think it's "enough" and that I can't take anymore someone steps in and clarifies for me that it's not "us" it's "them".  (Thanks to Kara again)  Being rejected by two families is hard enough most days, but being continually ill while navigating life "alone" and sick is pretty unbearable.

I was almost in the ER Sunday but unfortunately without health insurance they don't do much for me except make sure I'm not going to die, do blood workup, give me pain meds, and tell me I need expensive follow up and send me home and charge me $5,000.  I am nearly bankrupt as it is in the last 30 years from medical problems.  And, in being sedentary for two health issues makes the other two, high blood pressure and rheumatoid, flare up.  I live where I am unable to obtain state help because I am married and that income puts health help out of reach.  Being chronically ill means being unable to work as others can and afford luxuries like health insurance.  Disability is out of reach for now.

I have two families, adoptive and birth, both who know I have been ill since age 15 in and out of doctors and hospitals and NONE of them give a crap or care.  It drains the life out of my relationships, who wants to be around someone who is always sick and never feels good and has no one else to rely upon.  Hell, I don't want to be around me!  I got lucky enough to marry an adoptee lite from a crazy family of nuts like mine who has his own issues he needs to deal with.  I've tried to help "save" him too but I am trying to keep myself from drowning in issues as it is.

I have not heard from my adoptive family in over two years maybe more.  I am the one to call, send photos of myself and my kids, trying to extend the olive branch of healing and forgiveness.  I get bitter comments and judgemental attitudes back.  I put myself out there once again over the last three years calling and with a visit because I know my adoptive parents are aging and not well and won't be around much longer.  I heard later from my husband my adoptive mother sat up and bad mouthed me to him after I had gone to bed.  He had not told me immediately because he was so shocked that a mother could be that hurtful, but I can't say I was surprised.  I just didn't want to live with the fact I did not try my best to build a bridge over the hurt, pain, and anger.  I did and I tried and now, I am DONE.

The fact remains that I am not their child and I never will be.  I did not put myself out there for the usual family Holiday letter going on and on about their wonderful biological child and their extraordinary grandchildren with the one sentence at the end "Karen is still living in Dallas".  I don't think they remember the names of my children.  Out of sight out of mind.  It's obvious we don't matter.

I am petitioning the court for updated medical records again for the fourth time in twelve years.  I have stopped waiting and believing that my biological mother will ever step up to the plate and release her name and allow me to have a relationship with my siblings she can't let know I exist.  I only hope my biological father can step up with the other half of my family medical background.  Hearing through the courts from him in 2005 "I understand her need for information but everyone in our family is healthy" falls in the same category for me as the pack of lies the system of adoption tries to sell the world and I'm just not buyin it.

Please don't tell me to "think positive" I am POSITIVE this all sucks and is unfair.  Please don't tell me to "hang in there" I have hung in there far longer than most other people could.  Please don't tell me God only gives us as much as we can handle and then throw bible quotes at me, I have studied the history of the bible and read it back to front several times and I have my own faith and spiritual beliefs thank you very much.   There is an monumental amount of depression that stems from adoption rejection.  There is an overwhelming depression that comes from chronic illness.  The two together can be a near lethal combination.

What I need is understanding, support, and unconditional love.  I have finally stopped looking for that from my adoptive and biological families.  I get it from people whose faces I have never seen in person but whose hearts I know better than my own.  The adoption community is amazing.  If I ever believed anything was God sent they certainly are to me. 

It's hard enough for people to understand adoption, but even harder still for them to grasp the depth of agony it can cause being rejected...and twice no less.  I truly can't fathom not caring if your child or sibling by adoption or birth was ill and suffering.  I may never fully know the reasons why I was unlucky enough to be so burdened in life by ill health and adoption rejection and abandonment.  I only know how devastating it can be and will continue to do what I can to help change the system, stop the industry that profits from selling children to others, and support those going through the hell we know as adoption.