Assembling Self

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Another Father's Day I wonder if....................

I thought perhaps after being told by my birth mother that my birth father had abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant, along with his family they wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy she said, that he was young and niave and perhaps he knew later on the mistake he had made in abandoning us.  I made excuses for his actions, probably self protection, because as a parent I couldn't fathom having a child out there and not wanting to know about them.  So, when I petitioned the Adoption court for the second time and they found my birth father and he wanted no part of me it was a shock, as it would be for almost anyone.

The Confidential Intermediary stated he never claimed to be my birth father but never denied it either.  And, that he was not willing to sign anything, meaning, he didn't want to "claim" me.  When asked for medical history the CI said he responded to my request with "I understand her need for medical history but everyone in our family is healthy."  So basically, he still washes his hands of me to this day and, nothing has changed that I know of.

A lot of focus in searching is usually in regards to your birth mother as she was the one who gave you life.  The birth father usually enters the picture second.  I've spent alot of years focusing on searching for and hoping for a relationship with my birth mother.  I don't think much of my birth father as a person or a man.  I say that without knowing anything but what my birth mother wrote to me and his denying my petition to the courts for information.  For me that speak volumes.  Today is the one day of the year I can't help but wonder how easy it was for my birth father to leave me behind and build a life with another family.  How does any person walk out of their child's life once, and then again knowing they are ill and in need of medical history still denying them anything?  If out of 364 days of the year it's easy to forget about me could this one day be different?  I will always wonder if...

I wonder if

I wonder if he thinks of me,
and if he does just what he sees.
If trapped in corners in his mind,
are thoughts of me from time to time.
Does this day bring back the past,
and if so the fate he cast.
When he walked the other way,
no hesitation, no delay.
Was I discarded easily?
No remorse, no memories?
On this day I wonder if.
You even remember I exist?


  1. So easy for fathers to walk away, to forget, to pretend, to deny and to keep the secret for life as mine did.Days like yesterday bring the questions to light yet again.

  2. Thanks....I got through they day without alot of tears but what is that saying..."Only eyes washed by tears can see clearly.” - Louis M. Mann