Assembling Self

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Adoption Educating

I've decided, in the limbo I am in waiting to be able to petition the adoption court again for the other half of my medical history, to educate the new Confidential Intermediary I have.  This is the fourth CI I believe I have had in the last 12 years of petitioning for identifying information about my biological family.  The first CI Jane was wonderful.  She was understanding, helpful, and seemed to be very supportive of a reunion between my birth mother and myself even helping facilitate communication between my birth mother and myself via the court to set up a relationship to expand upon later in person.  Then enter the second CI, Lita Bishop.  It was then my "reunion" went south.  Lita was cold and unconcerned and even went so far as to tell an adoptee who I sent to her, adopted out of the same county court system, "You know these birth mothers really don't want to be found".  This statement before she had even had any idea if her birth family did or did not want contact or the adoptee's adoption situation.  I was ABHORRED to say the least!  I was so glad to learn Lita Bishop was gone.  Hopefully she retired and took her closed minded judgemental attitudes and practices with her. 

The third CI I don't remember well as years passed without much contact with the court system.  This fourth one seems nice and willing to help but really...when you pull up an adoptee's file PLEASE read carefully and do NOT give them inaccurate, SENSITIVE, soul wrenching information and then take it back with a statement of "Wait, let me reread this I don't really understand it either".  SO, I have decided I will write a letter to this CI and help educate her to the facts, feelings, and rights of those of us whose lives are separated through adoption deserve.

If I can't change my plight then perhaps I can change someone else's.

I will write this letter very carefully.  I will bite my tongue alot I am sure and attempt to make this current CI aware of the facts.  Adoption is NOT a "fix all" for children.  She needs to know that not ALL adoptees have this wonderful new home and family.  Adoption is not hearts, flowers, and teddy bears and love and hugs.  It is painful, excruciatingly so many times, and especially for the children especially those who are not welcomed unconditionally with open arms.

I will never be accepted for who I am by my adoptive family.  They have a biological child for that now.  I have spent decades trying to be someone my parents and everyone else will love and feeling unworthy.  I am not their child I never will be.  I think I knew this when I was young around eight and my adoptive mother turned and said with a smirk "No wonder your mother gave you away."  The truth in that statement did not fully unfold to me for decades.  Until one day in pondering my adoptive situation did I realize that she really did not see herself as my "mother" she still saw me as "someone else's child".

I was not the blank slate my adoptive parents thought they were getting.  I am not quiet, or a fundamentalist, or a conformist.  I never will be.  I do not blame my adoptive parents for their belief system as the adoption system set them up just as they did me and my birth family.  I am rejected by two sets of parents and family.  I could not wish this fate on anyone.  The pain will never be gone but it is managable now.  I view life through eyes no one can comprehend except perhaps other adoptees who have walked, and still walk, in my shoes.   I am no longer alone to be told it doesn't matter and life is what we make of it.  Those are words spoken by well meaning, good intentioned, uninformed persons who have been brain washed by the adoption industry.  Those that have not had the very biological foundations erased out of their lives.  I have made the best of it...I try and change the lives of others.

For years I have not wanted to hurt my birth mother knowing that what she thought she was doing for the best for me turned into a never ending nightmare for her child.  I am not the kind of person to guilt anyone into loving me either.  I have wanted to spare her the inevitable pain of finding out her child was abused and rejected.  But, I can no longer sacrifice myself and the truth about my life for others.

This CI needs to know the truth.  I will cc the judge that presides over my case as well, and anyone else in the court office.  I am also going to include that I want a copy for my birth mother and father in my file if they ever chose to receive it.  It's time they all hear the truth.  It's time to end the system of closed records adoption forever.

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