Assembling Self

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Procrastination or self preservation?  And yes, I have vascilated.  I was supposed to petition the adoption court after the first of the year but I did not.  And yes, life got in the way in HUGE ways no one can doubt that fact.  However, time is an hour glass and, the longer things slip away undone the more we can lose.  People pass and people lose memories invaluable tidbits of information that can change our lives...especially as adoptees.  I am not sure how much more I can lose but I also know I can't go on not continuing to try.  This is my fourth petition in 12 years.  Exhausting is an understatement.  Maybe I love torture and banging my head upside a wall.  I would rather call it stubborn.  Who knows, maybe it's hereditary.

I can never seem to relate to non-adopted persons when trying to convey my life in relation to having no connection(s) with anyone biological and feeling how ostracized from the world I feel no matter how many words I use (SIGH).  And, in the fact that my adoptive parents and I are not close, not even close, in fact the total opposite it's the loneliest feeling I could not imagine wanting anyone else to deal with.

And, in not dealing with it I don't have to come face to face with the scenarios I could, and most likely will, encounter.  But, in the not dealing come consequences one's of regret and life with regret is sadder than the pain of facing reality.   It's just simple closure I am looking for.  So, while I plaster on this smile about it all the while trouble brews below.  And yet, I'll be ok because I can wear my masks.


They perceive this shell but can not see deep inside the real me.
The one who is afraid, scared, and weak, of things I dare not reveal or speak.
They think I'm really someone else this front, facade, false prided self.
Little is the world aware what silvers of my soul I share.
I keep it hidden very well beneath the safety of this shell.
Protecting weaknesses unknown the sealed off part me called home.
For like chameleons that hide beneath the camouflage unspied.
I cover up what I can't show with secret masks concealed below.
The naked eye can not detect these fortress walls build to protect.
Within my dwelling unrecognized a stronghold they can't criticize, nor ridicule, or realize, or know how much that I despise,
this vulnerable woman that I am.
So alone in silent pain I stand.


  1. So understand this and why you need to press on with finding who you are.Others do not understand as they know where they've come from, who they are..we do not and while these ridiculous laws persist adoptees continue to be in pain.Not moral, not compassionate, not equal rights.

  2. No Von they don't "get it" and I've spent 12 years trying to find out where I came from and who I am and I will never give up. Now, I focus mostly on changing this for others. It's the work I love and will continue to advocate change for until my last breath.