"Selfish" Adoptees

Is just one of the labels/names we hear when we, as adoptees, attempt to reform and change the way adoption operates.  It still shocks me that anyone could believe having your biology and genetics taken from you and held hostage by government and religious entities is alright and could actually be approached with such a nonchalant attitude.  Adoption, sperm and egg donation, and IVF is in fact a booming business, and not the altruistic operation it is usually perceived to be.

It can cost tens of thousands of dollars to adopt a newborn infant.  Nonprofit agencies that facilitate these adoptions bring in millions of dollars each year and the BOD incomes from these can range upwards of six figures.  Egg donors are paid a high price for their donations.   In Vitro fertilization techniques leave unused embryos in freezers to languish when no longer needed and or given away as donations to other infertile couples.  Anonymous sperm donor banks are supposed to put limits on the amount of children conceived and born this way and yet sperm donor registries dictate otherwise.  All of this is a much unregulated industry, an industry out of control.

I shake my head in disbelief that we play God with life and lives every day, and refuse to look at how we got there.  Are we really going to continue to justify the  means to the end when we are dealing with manipulating gametes that become embryos and human beings?  And then turn our backs to the repercussions and ramifications these actions dictate permanently into the lives of adoptees, sperm, and egg donor children?  How is it people can expect adoptees to feel grateful when we are treated like commodities and interchangeable parts?  And when we as adoptees stand up for our rights and the rights of future children brought into this world by whatever means available, and usually most affordable, we are met with harsh judgment and cruel ridicule?

Money, profit, and power have obviously become more important in creating a family than ethics.

And we are the selfish ones?  I think not.

Remembered on Mother's Day

Remembered

Never forgotten, never lost.
Never far from mind or thought.
Not left behind, or in the past.
No image fades, the memory lasts.
You're seen in smiles my children give.
Always within my heart you'll live.
Remembered now, forever here.
'Til close of life, and end of years.

I've been very busy lately starting a new job, moving, getting settled in both.  I had not even thought about Mother's Day and the extra emotion it brings being adopted and separated from the mother who gave you life.  I had a few rough moments that brought tears to my eyes last week with a very moving quote from an adoptee who we lost this year.  She wrote incredible books that almost every adoptee can relate to, and BJ put into words what so many of us haven't been able to say, or define about our adoptive experiences.

Those who know their mother cannot imagine what it is like not know the woman who brought you into this world. What it is like to be forbidden by law to see her face, hear her voice, know her name. No one can imagine it because it is unimaginable.- BJ Lifton

And then I open the Sunday paper.


http://www.dallasnews.com/news/local-news/20110507-essay-a-son-gets-to-know-and-love-the-mother-he-never-met.ece

And....

http://www.voanews.com/english/news/usa/Mothers-Day-Has-Double-Meaning-for-Adoptees--121392439.html  

Even though my biological mother can't step out of the past and let go of the secrets and shame I will always think of her and wonder if she thinks of me.  As a mother, I don't see how she could not.  And, as an adoptee I'll never give up hope someday, I will be able to know who she is.

Adoptee Triggers

Orphan Eyes

Locked outside and looking in on where I don't belong.
Watching life through orphan's eyes pretending to be strong.
Plastic smiles I've worn so long to cover frozen tears.
Feeling lost and incomplete so many wasted years.
This stranger in a foreign land searching for her roots.
To heal this hole within my heart and fill it with the truth.

I haven't blogged in a month although I've been blogging in my little adoptee head for weeks now so this is going to be a long one.   I've been working a new job with lots of over time, so please forgive all grammar and spelling errors I'm simply too tired to care right now.  I'm moving my residence, along with the company I work for, soon and am in complete coping and organizational survival mode.  Don't for one minute think or believe my adoption issues are not hanging over my head and haunting my every day.  Most of the time I have to go on with the dark cloud of double adoption rejection looming over my head but only felt and seen by me.

Most people don't understand what can be triggers for adoptees.  Because I don't feel I fit into the world walking into a new job setting with others who have known each other and worked together for years like a well oiled machine makes me feel like the proverbial fish out of water.  No one would ever really notice that though, because we exude so much energy working our chameleon like ways, making others feel good about themselves, and or overachieving.  And all too often we end up spent, tapped out emotionally, mentally, and physically, and then angry, depressed, and resentful that we have nothing left to give to ourselves.

And, all the while we are walking around pretending to be ok.  And, I guess we really are as ok as we can be considering the strange circumstances our lives revolve around.  Vastly different than the nonadopted world, I feel as though I live in a Twilight Zone episode most days.  It's all so "unreal", and seriously, that's exactly what it is.  My adopted family relationship was forged, or not forged, by a whacky social experiment gone wrong.  Adoption, which takes a child from one family and placing them into another and expecting instant bonding and love without questioning or recourse of what came before. 

We are constantly trying to blend into an adoptive family you share zero genetics with (or hopefully so adoption connections unknown can be stranger than a lot of fiction), searching for biological roots and trying to construct healthy relationships with natural family members, and performing a balancing act between the two all the while trying to figure out just exactly where we belong, or more importantly...don't.

It's draining, it's exhausting, it's mind numbing and heart wrenching, and most of us do it without any in the "real" world knowing that one small trigger such as change, or pending rejection...imagined or real and feared either way, can set us on a downward spiral.

Writing is one of my coping tools along with support groups and adoption activism.  It's no wonder at all I spend so much time involved in adoption forums, chat, and private emails helping people searching, talking about how it affects us, celebrating triumphs of finds and new family relationships, crying alongside those who have found rejection, tragedy, and are mourning, and revolting against a corrupt, unfair, money based system that has caused all of this to happen to so many innocent people.  Because of the people I have found in adoption support, activism, and reform I can survive.  And, I can help change things for others and prevent anyone else from enduring what I have.

I'll close with one of my favorite quotes from Christopher Reeve.  “A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.”

I am overwhelmed with joy to know and work with so many heroes in adoption reform.

"Writing" and "Righting" the Adoptee Struggle

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you" ~Ray Bradbury

I borrowed this quote from my friend Trace (thank you Trace) because it is speaks to me of how I have dealt for years with being adopted.  It's no surprise why so many adoptees blog, write books, or spend a great deal of time in support forums writing and sharing their experiences, emotions, and anger.  It's obviously a surprise to the "nonadopted" world.  But, the realm of writing allows a safe place for adoptees to express themselves if only for them, and others who understand.  I know it has been a great vehicle for healing for myself.

I wrote a poem years ago about my frustration at the system of closed records adoption.  I never claim to speak for anyone else, but I will today for so many I do know feel as I do.  I hope they don't mind.  In fact, I hope they are pleased by it.

Twelve years later after petitioning the adoption court I still have no names, no cities, not even a state where my biological parents are.  The government has no right to keep this information from me.  It is mine.  No, strike that and I will speak for adoptees right now, it is "ours".

Rights in adoption are not about reunions or relationships.  The nonadopted world continually convolutes and twists what we are asking for into imposing ourselves into others lives and ruining them.  As I told my adoptive mother I will tell the world "I didn't know being related to me would be so bad".  I don't really need any further rejection in my life after not fitting in in any capacity in my adoptive family, nor would I welcome it with anyone else related to me or not.

There are adoptees who just want information and medical background from their biological families just as there are those that want contact and communication from their families or origin.  We simply do not need outside entities or other persons involved in making decisions about who and what we can know.  That right will always belong to us.

The Struggle

Struggling to move onward through the future's open door.
Still caught up in mysteries of what has come before.
I feel another part of me was lost somewhere in time.
I'm searching for the reasons and all answers I can find.
To sever unseen shackles locking me up in the past.
And hold within my hands the keys to truths found at long last.
Impeded by the secrets that so many keep from me.
In pursuit to solve this puzzle and at last to be set free.
Between my heart and mind there seems to be eternal war.
Near defeated by this conflict, drained and weary to the core.
I stand here with my head held high not yielding to these thoughts.
That lead me to believe these long fought battles will be lost.
Ignoring drones from ancient tunes that say I have no right.
In quests that seek to find these missing pieces of my life.

It's "just" a name

The Sands of Time

Searching through the sands of time examining my past.
Watching life I call my own pass through the hour glass.
So much has been forgotten, so much has been left behind.
So much that has been buried I search for but can not find.
People who have come and gone and those still here today.
Faces I have never seen who long since went away.
Missing names and histories leave only gaping holes.
Oh how I'd love to hear all of those stories left untold.
Each has left their mark upon my soul and memory.
This life that was created, an everlasting legacy.

I was told "it's just a name" by a co-worker last week when discussing names.  These types of comments are made by people who have no idea the very foundation of their lives their names of origin give them.  This is the attitude of many people who are not adopted and don't have their original identities taken from them and sealed by the state. 

A few days later when this co-worker was asked why he went by initials instead of his first name he declared that people shortened his name and he was continually called by a partial of it.  He did not like the "nickname" and wanted to be called by his full first name and since people could not seem to do that, he now was using the initials of his first and middle name.  So, in fact a name DOES actually matter.

Loss in adoption is glossed over by the masses unaffected by it.  What so many take for granted becomes a life long quest to find for those of us it has been taken from.  It does matter, and a hell of a lot to so many of us.

The name I was given when I was adopted, and the family it comes from, does not describe or tell me who I am.  It is not my genetic or historical background.  It belongs to others who want to pin it to me and erase where I came from.

A name is only a name....until you lose it.

Judging Adoptees

Recently I was judged and attacked by another adoptee (more than one actually) over my lack of understanding about the positive side of adoption.  I guess my views are warped to them and if I would only be around "happy adoptees" I would get a different side of adoption.  I was accused of "coming after" said happy adoptee.

If you knew me in the "real" world I'm the office clown, the loyal friend, the nonjudgemental shoulder to lean on and confide in.  But, I would never "go after" anyone and anyone who really "knows" me "knows" that.  I stand up for myself and my experience.  I will debate I don't deny that.  I do get out my adoption soap box often and educate when and where I can.  I am proud to have made many many people rethink their views of adoption and what it really means to those it affects.  I have, and continue to work in adoption reform with adoptees who are happy with their adoptive families.  You can be happy with your adoptive family but NOT agree with the way the system of adoption functions.  AND as I state over and over and over again I am GLAD for them, and I don't deny and dispute their feelings and emotions.  I would never want anyone or any child to have to endure what so many of us "unhappy" adoptees have.  It's why I work as hard as I can, when I can, for the much needed overhaul to adoption.

I am used to being judged but not usually by other adoptees.  Most "get it" or at least can empathize some.  Adoption may define much of my life but it does not define ME in totality.  You do not know "me" so do not label and condemn my life choice in expressing how I feel on an adoptee SUPPORT group.  Do NOT access my mental health state with your amateur diagnosis and skills.  Do NOT leave hate mail in my inbox.  And seriously, if you don't like what you are hearing and don't agree then simply state your peace and leave!

I don't go to pro-adoption sites.  I don't agree with what is being said and will never support the system of adoption as it functions with closed records and huge profits.  SO I don't join in on discussions which want to make me pull my hair out and bang my head against the wall.  See, I'm old and wise like that.

Sometimes I think these "happy" adoptees doth protest too much.  Why do they have such a huge problem with those of us who have had terrible experiences with adoption?  I think it threatens them and makes them question their own lives as adoptees.  But, that is my personal opinion and I don't claim to be a counselor or therapist.

There are not many places in the world us adoptees have to feel safe to discuss our adoption experiences.  Many of us simply do not allow anyone to see how adoption affects us because we are all too familiar with the judgement, criticism, and the never ending advice we get from those who have no idea what they are talking about.  Adoption is not something you "get over".  Adoption is not a one time transaction it is a life time event.  If only these self proclaimed "happy" adoptees would instead place their time and energy into helping change the system of adoption and open records we wouldn't have the need for search and support groups.  If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.  'Nuff said.

Mother Unknown

Mother Unknown

Time moves so slow and minutes last like hours passing, never fast.
The days roll on months seem like years, I lose the count of falling tears.
An endless cycle of seasons flow and questions continually unanswered grow.
It never ceases nor does it stop, I'm bound by calendar and clock.
While prayers and dreams have only grown, for a mother never known.
Futile attempts to change this fate though hope burns dim, I still will wait.

It's just the strangest thing ever not knowing who your biological mother is.  I never really thought about my bio father much, not until the courts found him in 2003.  Both however, want to remain unknown.  So, here I wait to hear back about my court petition. If all I get is updated medical at this point in time with my health I'll take it.  In limbo again waiting on this for the fourth time.  It could be days, or weeks, or months who knows.

I hate how weak I feel about it sometimes.  And, throw in health issues, pain, and a virus, and I'm reduced to a sniveling, and literally too with this cold, whimpering, blubbering fool.  I am so not proud of that. 

Of course my situation with adoption search for biological family is magnified with the rejection from my adoptive family.  So, I've lost two mothers.  I remember telling my marriage counselor once jokingly "I have double mother rejection syndrome".  And in all seriousness, being an adoptive mother and understanding the issues she went through with her biological daughter, stated matter of factly "No Karen, you really do".  And, the truth shall set you free.

I think it was then, before owning my first computer and getting online to meet and greet and world of adoption, I realized how largely these rejection issues played out in my life.  Why I chose people who abused and rejected me.  Why I picked people I had take care of because of the dysfunction of having a mentally ill adoptive mother unable to cope with life.  I actually believed I could make someone love me.

It's not that I am looking for parents anymore it's not about that.  It's about having the truth, being able to see photographs, know names, and where you came from.  Relationships with them are secondary to me now.

I got a look inside "myself" in the non-id letter I received from my biological mother 12 years ago.  My bio father was found as well.  So, I have given them the chance to want to know me.  I'm getting weary of this long high stakes game of adoption search and wait with my bioligical parents.  My poker face is starting to fade.  Let's see if they are willing to ante up, show their cards, or fold and walk away again.