Assembling Self

Monday, July 16, 2012

My 100th Adoptee Blog Post

I've not been writing recently at all I'm starting to feel as if there is nothing I haven't already said a thousand different times in a hundred different ways.  Yet, there is still so much there I feel the need to express.  And, at the same time so few who really get it or can who are not adopted and cut off from their biological roots.

One of the most common pieces of advice I get from nonadopted persons is "I know my biological family and I wish I didn't, I don't want them you can have them."  That's like adoption I don't WANT a second hand me down family I want my original one!  You can't replace families with another one and people and names in exchange for new ones.  It doesn't work!  Well, for many of us.  At this point I'd take the knowledge of where I came from and forgo relationships.  I just want the truth, MY TRUTHS.

It's a fine line walking between an unknown past and navigating your future.  I feel caught between two worlds.  One where I don't belong or fit in and one where I am continually searching faces, names, and the bits and pieces of information I have gathered over the last decades.  I have sisters or brothers out there, two I am aware of, that have no idea I exist.  They are being lied to if even only by omission.  I was cleaning out my filing cabinet last week and came across the copy of the letter my biological mother wrote me thirteen years ago, non-id of course, via the adoption court.  I read it while tears streamed and hid it back where it was.  Out of site out of mind maybe, but never out of heart.

When life is going well it's easy sometimes to "not think about it" as we as adoptees are continually advised, and focus on the good.  But sometimes the pain of all of that loss bubbles up and overwhelms us when we are at our weakest.  That's where I have been at struggling every day to cope through the loss of belonging in two families, multiple health issues causing financial issues, coping with too much chronic pain and fatigue, relationship issues, managing a household, trying to search for work I can do, and raising my son.  Wondering all the while when "This too shall pass".

I hope all of this makes sense because lately life has not made much sense at all.  I don't expect it to be fair. I'm not that naive, but at some point I'd like to be drowning in sorrow and hiding it all behind the face and demeanor of a clown.  I don't want to sound pathetic, or whiny, or weak but my mask is getting unbearably heavy.


  1. "I hope all of this makes sense" It does! Every single word makes heartbreakingly perfect sense.

  2. I've been thinking about this post some more. It seems to me non-adopted people sometimes assume that adopted people "romanticize" our original families ... that we somehow think our original family members must be perfect and oh so much better than the people we grew up with, or that we assume our lives would be perfect if only we hadn't been adopted. No! That assumption so misses the mark. What we are saying is that we want the same thing everyone else gets ... the opportunity to know our biological families, warts and all! And those people who make those flippant comments, how do you suppose they would really feel if every single biological family member that they've ever know were to completely disappear out of their lives? I don't think they would really be so casual about it all if that were the case!

  3. By the way, I'm in reunion, so I do know my bio family now, thankfully. Even that doesn't completely take away adoption loss, but it helps. _Everyone_ should have that opportunity. I don't understand why it's so hard for people who have always had genetic mirroring to understand why it's absence is so hard and painful or why adopted people would long to know where they came from. It's such a basic human desire!

    I apologize for writing a blog on your blog. I get a little carried away sometimes. This topic stirs me up!

  4. Exactly Rebecca! My adoptee lite (adopted at birth by step father) said he searched and found and was sorry he did they turned out to be crazy people. BUT he got the CHANCE to search because he was given names and he made his own choice to walk away. Many adoptees don't have that chance or choice. At this point I'd take names and the ability to do genealogy and have the other half of my family medical history. I'm going to be 53 soon and relationships would be nice but it's absolutely the facts and truth I am after.

    Thanks for writing and saying what you did. I helps me, it helps others, and hopefully it will all change soon because adoption is an archaic outdated discriminatory system.

  5. Hi, I've just read some of your posts. I am an adoptive mother and a birth mother. Two years ago, I found the daughter I gave up at birth, she was 38. My adopted daughter was 28. Having said that, I want to caution you only in that it's not easy when you find each other. My only advice is that no matter how insane you both feel about getting to know each other, take it slowly. It is a long, painful and very delicate process. From your birth mother's perspective, she will be surprised that you have none of your cousins familial behavior patterns. If you think about that, it will make perfect sense. I wish you speedy success on your journey of finding your "roots". It is an awesome one. My daughter and I aren't speaking right now, but still agree we want to write a book about finding each other. You can read my part at my blog:

  6. I found my bio mom at 29, told some things I believe are lies. I am so different than her, my brother and sister. I just don't talk to them anymore..nobody understands how lonely it is to be left of either family. My adopted mom never calls me..sometimes emails that's about it except mother's day and father's day they feel it's obligation to get together a few times during the year. I'm a vegetarian also and that really seperates me from all. I have 2 adult kids and 2 grandkids..My past seems to have been stolen from us all. Even when you do find your roots you realize that you can't just plant them realise there's nothing you can do but have at least a peice of the puzzle that you always wondered about..You will forever be standing on the outside looking in. My heart breaks to feel this way and i wish there was something i could say or do to help you not feel this way. Sending my love your way..Hugs!

  7. hi, I am an adoptee with quite a sad experience of an adoptive family. I have just started to write about my experience and wondered if you would have a read on my blog.
    It is very hard for other people to understand.i have been told i am ungrateful, that I 'wouldn't have known any different,' silly nonsense.
    ifthere is no chance of a child safely being looked after by it¨s biological family, then adoption within a loving home doesn't seems so bad. but any of us were removed fromfamilies due to the social conventions of the day and it is a trauma that lasts forever.
    I have a daughter nw and she has helped me get over the