Assembling Self

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother Unknown

Time moves so slow and minutes last,
like hours passing never fast.
The days roll on, months seem like years.
I lose the count of falling tears.
An endless cycle of seasons flow.
Questions continually unanswered grow.
It never ceases nor does it stop.
I'm bound by calendar and clock.
While prayers and dreams have only grown.
For a mother never known.
Futile attempts to change this fate.
Though hope burns dim,
I still will wait.

Fourth adoption court petition and another month or so of waiting.  I guess the timing is either good or bad, either way it's tough.  And tough is a huge understatement.

People tell me I'm strong.  I guess they are right.  Yeah, I'm sure they are but it doesn't mean strong people don't break every now and then too.  Today is one of those breaking days.

But that's o.k. too 'cause that just means I'm in touch with what I am feeling rather than wandering around taking it out on everyone around me.  It's not that I need a mother anymore I just need to KNOW who my mother is!  How can you put things in the past when you are oblivious to what that past is.

I am really just looking for closure and a shot at some sibling communication.  I feel "blank" on days like this compared to others.  The lack of awareness about where you come from, and being blocked from that knowledge, it's more than overwhelming.

Do I hate the part of me that is weak enough to care?  Sure, absolutely so.  Do I know that denial can be protective and yet self destructive.  YEP.  So, I'm caught in limbo until the time the unknown becomes the known.

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