Assembling Self

Friday, March 23, 2012

Why So Many Adoptees Don't Love Adoption!

Why do we not love adoption?  Ohhhhh let me count the ways.  No really please LET ME. 

Well beside the uneducated advice and opinions of those "well meaning" people who dictate to us how thankful and grateful we should be someone wanted us, and how lucky we are we weren't tossed in a dumpster or aborted, there are so many other points to cover on why adoptees do not love adoption.  So many of us do not fit into complete opposite biology from our own in our adoptive familes.  So many of us are then further rejected after the cute baby adoptee grows into the genetic person they are.  Then, so many of us encounter much to our dismay the fact that we are treated like commodities subject to government rule and regulation.  Shocking, untrue, and unfounded you say, how could this be adoption is wonderful?!  Just wait it gets even more unbelievable.

Let's begin with the religious entities that govern and facilitate adoption and the fraud and corruption within them, that also involves a great deal of immorality and lack of ethics.  I'm not a full blown search angel but I do help others and try and guide adoptees as to where to go, who to talk to, and where to start searching.  In the last year, and especially in the last month, I have been in touch with several adoptees I tried to provide help for that aren't "found" in the system of adoption.  They hold ammended birth certificates and have adoptive parents who have given them identifying information including birth names, and some even have adoption paperwork in hand.  STILL no one can find them and they are told they don't "exist" in the system.  There is no recourse for information, family history or background, let alone the chance to obtain current family medical history for themselves or their children.  Many search with that little they have for years without ever finding biological family.  Try "finding" with last names that are 20-30 or more years old like Smith, Jones, or Miller and first names of Jane, John, or Bill and mothers who have married and remarried and changed their original last names.

Other adoptees, too numerous to count, have registered with state and local adoption agencies looking for information and or connections to their biological families.  Many biological families have contacted the previous mentioned looking for the same.  Both sets of people are turned away told that no one has contacted them, or they are not entitled to that information, or no matches have been found for them.  Later, sometimes years later they find one another outside of these systems only to realize they were given incorrect information or NO information pertaining to the fact that these people were desperately attempting to reconnect.  And sadly, more than sadly, many find they are too late and one or MORE of the parties is deceased and the chance at reunion and relationships have been lost.  The damage and fall out from this can be devastating I know, I lived without much of that information that could have changed and saved parts of my life for decades.

The majority of these religious entities, and there are hundreds registered as non-profits and are tax exempt take in large amounts of money beyond the non-adopted persons true comprehension, who continue to profit off adoptees in post adoption situations such as Confidential Intermediary programs, the request for non-identifying information, or for reunion services.  Private adoptions in Texas via lawyers can operate under the table and without scrutiny and transparency making them much more fraught with illegalities and at risk for young woman and children being taken advantage of.   More recently International Adoption fraud has been in the news in countries such as Australia, Spain, and China just to name a few.   The much loved Gladney Center for Adoption has been sued several times over including a class action suit brought by adoptive parents for lack of disclosure to pertinent and accurate information about the children they adopted and their biological family background.  Settled out of court....of course.

What we as adoptees here in the United States know all too well is how rampant it runs within our own country's system of adoption.  Most adoptees don't have the time, energy, or are monetarily equipped to go up against these adoption agencies, parties, and entities legally because these large wealthy non-profits and government institutions DO have plenty of time and money to keep anyone accusatory tied up lengthy legal battles.  However, some adoptees have sued and won, or even had their adoption reversed and declared illegal.  I could state case after case but there is google for that if you don't take my word for it.  Or, contact me privately and I'll give you an ear full.

What is so very disconcerting and disgusting is the propaganda by which these agencies are allowed to advertise children complete with price lists and legal costs to adopt babies still yet unborn still in the womb!  Crisis pregnancy billboards, bumper stickers, and even posters on the walls of planned parenthood expounding on the virtues of adoption are prevalent here locally.  Pregnant girls and woman are continually being primed for sainthood for unselfishly giving up their children into better circumstances and then kicked to the curb and their open adoption promise closes when the ink on the relinquishment papers dry, and the door to contact with their child is shut tight on them.   All of this done in the name of creating families but in reality it is child trafficking. 

I've only touched the tip of the proverbial ice berg here in regards to the lack of ethics and morality and fraud in adoption.  And most of the time it's not going to be broadcast in head line news, in workplace conversation at the water cooler, or in friendly conversations.  It is best known and lived in the hearts and souls of adoptees.

The Powers That Be

You took away my family.
You took away my home.
You erased away my history and most of it is gone.
What gives to you the right to do this injustice unto me?
How can you be so blinded?
How is it you can't see?
You're stealing from the innocent are you so unaware?
You're playing God with all our lives, did you think we wouldn't care?
Who gave to you authority to decide how we should live?
Who granted you this power?
It was not theirs to give.
You treat us as possessions.
We are not yours to own.
How did you get the notion you can tell me where is home?
Do not dictate to me about how I should live my life.
Or who I can call mother.
Then take away my rights.
The answers to life's questions you say I need not know.
You're asking the impossible the questions only grow.
What it is I'm asking for is for you to understand.
Until I have those answers I can not know who it is I am! 


  1. My wife and I recently completed our "classes" on how to be adoptive parents, and I came across your blog today. We have four "natural" children and are looking to adopt two more from the foster system. Not from birth. I agree with you about the brokenness of the system and the money part. We don't need the money, but we get money from it anyways that we plan to save for the children. And yes, I have natural children with problems, mostly in regards to being social. I certainly don't expect that our adoptive children "take care" of the natural children, but it would be great if they could lead by example in their interactions with other children.
    We were advised to take as many notes as possible at any termination hearings, as we too will not have any information about the child's biological family. Unlike your situation I presume, the adoptive child will know more about her natural family than we ever will.
    We have seen that many families adopt out of a "calling from God". We're agnostically religious, but that whole thing is a a bunch of baloney and can't end well. In our classes, we've also met a lot of 'principled' parents and downright strange people. We simply like kids and want to share our exciting life. We also know adoptees that have had negative adoptive family experiences.
    We've heard story after story of natural moms being made to choose between abusive boyfriend of the week and their natural children. And these moms choose the abusive boyfriend. Apparently, physical abuse accounts for 80+% of the children in foster or foster-adoption today.
    Sure, the system tells its side of the story, but I have to believe that many - not all - adopted children, at least out of the foster system, are better off (maybe not best off) than before. Does it need to be fixed? Yes. Does it need even more second chances for biological parents? Probably not. Should adoptive parents get a psych eval? Oh yes!

  2. To Daniel above me, you may want to consider using the word biological instead of "natural". The word natural when referring to your biological kids can make adoption sound unnatural to some ears.

    To the author of this piece, I am sorry to hear that anyone has not had a positive experience adoption. However, I question the appropriateness of the image you created. I am a mother, and my children are ridiculously loved. I fear, that as a teenager, or any other vulnerable time in their life, my kids could see the image you created and maybe question if they are loved or not.

    Actually, I don't fear that for my kids. They will be fine. However, there may very well be other adopted kids who could be quite negatively affected unnecessarily by that picture.

    I wish you all the best and thank you for bringing awareness to adoption. Keep up the good work and peace to you.

    1. Ha ha! I was adopted in 1967 and just came out of the adoption fog you are creating. I was fine as a child but when the teenage years hit, oh boy! In retrospect, my shrink feels that my adoption could have something to do with it. Along with other abandonment issues, etc. These articles actually help me get in touch with the negative aspects of adoption & deal with them. When I was a teenager, there was no internet & I felt this way without anyone telling me to. You are a pompous a**!

  3. I stumbled across your blog while looking for images to congratulate a dear friend who just brought home her second HIV positive daughter from Ukraine. She worked for two long years to bring her girls home, to a new life with an authentic, gentle and loving family who adores them and community who loves and cherishes them, too. They are so loved, and will be surrounded by love through the healing process that will take place the rest of their lives, I would imagine. I know you know, but just wanted to share my story how I arrived at your blog, and that it is one that emerged through and despite the political and self-serving industry, to bring light and love to two precious seven year old girls who were best friends in the orphanage and now sisters forever.

    Obviously, there aren't always fairy tale endings, and my heart goes out to you and others who must face heartache and profound loss others could never possibly begin to understand. Your poetry is heartwrenchingly beautiful and as a mother and daughter, I send you healing light, love and peace on this journey. <3

  4. I must say that I'm shocked and saddened, Daniel, that despite having completed adoption preparation classes, you still refer to some children as "natural". :( Also that, if I understand what you wrote correctly, you have expectations for your adoptive children to "lead by example" to your biological children?

    I sincerely hope you will continue to open your heart to learning how to be the best parent possible to your precious new children: