Assembling Self

Friday, May 28, 2010

Feeling Grateful - Relentless Questions

Ok I've bitched, whined, moaned, and complained about my adoption plight enough this week after my rejection (and if I had a dime each time that word came into play in my life we ALL could retire) from the courts for a search for my birth father for updated medical information and or contact.  So, while I wait another 6 plus months I'll shelve the depression, frustration, and anger and do what I always do reach down and grab those proverbial boot straps and tug hard and lift myself back up.  Nothing has changed there.

Most people know I am not close, never have been, and probably never will be to my adoptive family that is a great understatement.  The details of that situation many know as well but I also feel if I continue dwelling on the past I get stuck there and it makes it almost impossible to live fully in the now which is the only part of life we really have.  All sides of my birth family, including birth grandparents, wanted and still want nothing to do with me.  It is one of the most indescribable and overwhelming senses of loss and pain I could even begin to try and explain but words can't sum it all up.

As I was arguing in a very unhealthy way, which we tend to do when under great duress, with another adoptee who was expressing great displeasure about the adoption community I realized how extremely lucky I was to have people in my life now that support me emotionally, unconditionally, and without doubt, hesitation, or question.  After years of feeling unworthy of any kind of real love I now know that this fallacy I believed in for far to long, that was the bane of my existence, simply is not true.

In changing some of the words in Sally Field's Oscar nomination comment I have to say "People LIKE me they really LIKE me".  It still surprises me to this day.  What a GREAT surprise!  No one can truly fathom the extreme importance of a positive personal belief system as an adoptee rejected by two families.  After years of living in doubt and darkness, decades actually, I have connections now that are healthy and nurturing.  I work with, and around, the most amazing people I could ever have the pleasure to meet.  It's a priceless gift I'll never be able to repay.  It has been an unexpected turn in the road called life and I wouldn't go back and change the bad things now because it never would have led me to the good.

So below is a poem I wrote 10 years ago.  It is still applicable to this day.  I'll always treasure the heart felt letter my first (natural or birth) mother wrote to me.  I was wanted, I was thought of, and I was prayed for.  For now, it'll have to be enough.  Maybe one day she'll get to know what she's been missing out on.


Relentless questions drive my soul how many hours have the wondering stole?
Like pounding waves that wear away the strongest rock day after day.
My weary bones nearly gave in and let the persistant pounding win.
But there are those that lend me power when there is no sun in my darkest hour.
When the doubt hounds daily at my door and I feel I can't take any more.
They whisper the truth into my ears with hope and love resolve my fears.
I hold the goal within my sight and remember the reasons I continue to fight.
To find what was lost so long ago the place from where those questions grow.
How many hours have been lost in days and years what was the cost?
The time I've spent in somber thought and sorrowful reflection preplexed about,
what I'm to do with all I feel when unseen bonds remain so real.
I had a taste of reality when fractions of truth I was allowed to see.
Fate has brought us back together the soul deep ties could not be severed.
To know the tragic parting was not, in the end to be forgot.
And someday soon they'll find a way to share with me those missing days.
I'll wait until the time I'll know the place from where these questions grow.


  1. Well done with the hard work and acceptance of yourself and where you are, hope it gets better and better for you in the world outside adoption.

  2. Von is there a world outside adoption? It effects the whole and I can't seem to escape it no matter how I try (sigh).