Assembling Self

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Hip Hip HURRAY!!! The Holidays are OVER. Gone gone are the lights, the decorations, the commercials, and the much over played Christmas songs. But mostly, gone are the days of watching others, wishing for the gift you have always dreamed of, that of knowing where you came from, who the people are you are biologially bound to. Where are they, who are they, what celebration is theirs, traditions, Holiday foods, and mostly what are they doing during this season? Are there family hierloom glass balls that decorate the tree collected over the years is it fake or real? Will there be a feast with favorite foods made with love prepared especially for children, or grandchildren, or father's, or grandparents, special places and events attended and enjoyed together times that will remain engrained in photos and memories? No, I am not niave enough to believe life is Norman Rockwell's version but from what I've witnessed over these decades watching.....always watching as an outsider it's pretty amazing.

It's not what people want to hear that the adoption system is not what they think it is. I talk about adoption reform, activism, and education but I've also learned when to shut up and when I've over saturated the minds of those that do not want to be convinced or their adoption bubble burst when they learn it is not the magical hearts and flowers fairy tale ending for barren couples and children without homes. I found that out the hard way, which is the way I seem to like to do everything, when I am inevitably left with people cocking their head's doing the - blink- blink- eyes as cartoon characters do when they are totally perplexed by something beyond their comprehension. Hiding just makes sense.

It is draining this pretending during this time of year. I could be an actress now a very famous one in fact because I would need no training or classes or direction really. I can be all people, anyone you choose, fall into any role or character because I have done this all of my life without even trying. When you have no idea who you are and no connection to anyone it leaves you with a certain "je ne said quoi" about the reality everyone else bases their lives upon. The invisible bond the rest of the world has with their families that only you truly see is the glue that not only holds the world together but keeps it going round magnified during November and December.

I can now take off the mask and fake smile off and put them away for awhile. It's not my true nature really since I have found the freedom in the last ten years to BE myself (as much as I can with limited resources and information about genetics and heredity). I can now look forward to my favorite Holidays Valentine's Day, May Day (as a child this was one of my favorite's), the start of a New Year, and the coming of spring. Maybe my Christmas gift each year is the ability to see what's truly important in life from eyes very few will ever see through.

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