Assembling Self

Thursday, November 1, 2012


An empty soul stands alone.
They erased who I was and gave me a new home.
Now lies not truth where my life used to be.
How could they take that away from me?
Did they really believe I'd never question,
what they gave me as a definition?
Of this person I was supposed to become,
and never look back on where I came from?
Where does one really draw the line
on how much past you can leave behind?
They expect out of us what they themselves could never do.
Despite what they say I am searching.
Wouldn't you?

After my fourth court petition was denied this year for identifying information by my biological parents and the adoption courts, I sunk into a depression which is pretty natural. At age 53 I still have no names, no cities, no states where my biological family resides all traces and tracks were covered long ago. No photos, no history, no tangible evidence of the people and family I come from. While I can understand anyone's right to not have contact with another person, no one has the right to keep other adults from relationships with one another. My biological parents signed away their rights upon relinquishing me, and should have NO say in my biological siblings having knowledge I exist. It's devastating for adoptees to be shoved into a dark closet and forgotten.

In learning to deal with stages of grief, and the judgment that comes from the world that adoptees should have no grief and just be thankful they were adopted, I can now recognize the signs and symptoms and deal with them now in healthier ways than I did before. The knowledge and experiences adoptees have is important!  When expressed to the world can change the lives of other adoptees, the institution of adoption, and the hearts and minds of anyone who is willing first to put aside their preconceived notions and truly listen.

But, that is usually the first and foremost problem in adoption. Getting people to actually listen to adoptees.  Most people believe that there are a handful of adoptees, or just myself, that have had a “bad experience” with adoption.  This is simply not the case.  There are plenty of adoptees with wonderful adoptive families who have and are struggling with identity, belonging, and the impact adoption has had on their lives.  We are here to change adoption and the way it functions, right the wrongs, and speak our truths.

I will always search faces and crowds and check the internet for responses to my adoption search posts. I will always do double takes of any woman I see that's about 4' 10” tall with brown hair and green eyes. It's an inherent yearning that my soul can't deny.  Ever.

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