For
those of you who are wondering what the unicorn reference is in
regards to adoption it is a term regularly used by those of us well
versed in adoption experiences to describe someone who sees adoption
in a purely positive light while denying the pain and trauma that it
stems from for adoptees and biological parents. “Unicorns”
refuse to see the dark underbelly of adoption including the fact that
adoption is a billion dollar industry, that many adoption agencies
are in business to make large sums of money off innocent babies, and that adoption is based on an adoptee's loss of their
family of
origin and a biological mother's pain of relinquishment. That
pain
and loss is something most endure for a lifetime. Adoption is a
permanent solution to an often temporary situation.
There
are so many subjects that will be talked about during National
Adoption Awareness Month
but the one I will address at the present moment during
the #flipthescript campaign
is the “Adoption not abortion” movement. I've been blogging for
years about adoption and this last year after contributing to other
blogs and adoption anthologies I pretty much had run dry of anything
else to say that I hadn't covered previously.
However, there are many times I just
can't sit by an allow someone to spew false information about
adoption especially when so many of us have fought for years to
educate the world about the reality
of adoption from our own personal experiences and tragedies.
Recently
I ran into a pro-adoption/anti-abortion
thread of my friend's Facebook page. I read and immediately felt
that hot flush of anger and my blood pressure rising quickly. I
had to chime in.
The
conversation revolved around the fact that someone who had zero
connection too adoption other than “she knew people who adopted”
(which means you really know nothing).
The
sentence that triggered me the most to speak up was something to the
tune of “You can adopt babies for nothing and many times the
government will pay you to do so.” Not wrong but OH SO wrong!
Actually
the cost of adoption is quite steep and there are lengthy waiting
lists for HWIs (Health White Infants) of up to 10 years. In fact it
can range anywhere from $30,000 to $50,000 and
upwards.
Ethnic babies are less costly to adopt approximately $15,000 and
upwards.
If
adoption is not expensive then why are there so many adoption
fundraisers being held for prospective adoptive families? Yah.
I
recently did a research report for my job for a family wanting to
adopt. Three agencies had gone out of business and two others no
longer facilitated infant adoptions and only assisted families with
adopting from the foster care system. One of the agency social
workers told me “We no longer do infant adoptions because it's so
heart breaking to watch parents wanting to adopt wait with little
hope or have a birth mother change her mind.” Inside I am yelling
“YES ALRIGHT FAMILY
PRESERVATION!”
Almost
half of adoptions
are
done
through private attorneys and
can
be even more expensive. Think adoption doesn't operate as baby buying or child trafficking? It is
legal in Texas to promise anything to a birth mother and considered a
“gift” to help her out in a difficult time or circumstance with
an unplanned pregnancy in exchange for her relinquishing her child to that family.
I
had a friend contact me 10 years or more ago and tell me that her
friend's daughter was pregnant at the age of 15 and considering
adoption. She wanted to keep the baby but felt pressure to
relinquish considering she had no education, no job, and felt unable
to provide for a child. She said each time the girl told the family
no they upped the ante. First it was a car, then added
a
college education, and
then
a house. Those things can look very promising
to a girl that
has
little and
is in a difficult situation.
The
adoption was promised to be open but I let my friend know to tell
this girl that if she relinquished her rights that adoption can close
at any point in time and there is no recourse for
her
to change anything. The adoptive parents will have every right to
keep that child from her until it's 18. And, by that time who knows
what the adoptee will have been told, or believes, or will feel about
her biological family.
The
girl decided to keep the baby and from what I hear is happy with the
decision she made. I heard the adoptive parents were livid and
couldn't understand why she would choose such a difficult path in
life when they could have smoothed it over for her and made things a
lot easier. Ummmmm because it's her flesh and blood and she didn't want
to “sell” it?
We
shame poor young or single women who become pregnant into relinquishing yet we provide tax
breaks and benefits for families that adopt. Prospective adoptive parents post "Go Fund Me" or church based campaigns to help with the cost of adopting. Yet, people are constantly up in arms because poor pregnant women and women with babies receive government assistance. Seems pretty
hypocritical to me. But, when agencies and lawyers are making tens
of thousands of dollars off every adoption I can understand why they
would promote such pro-adoption propaganda.
Most
cultures don't give their children away and instead are kept within
the family and taken care of by grandparents, aunts or uncles, or
siblings and cousins.
The
pro-adoption advocate also spit out the “Do you want these children
to grow up hungry and in poverty?” First, that's conjecture that
this will in fact happen and second then why can we not help families
with temporary assistance and education resources until they get on
their feet? Why is adoption the first option and not the last?
Also,
I know many children who grew up in poverty that turned out to be well
educated functional adults. Poverty is not the worst thing that can
happen to a child. Adoptive families are not immune to job loss and
poverty or divorce like any other family. Adoption is NOT a magical
cure to an unplanned pregnancy.
Are
there parents who do not want their children, absolutely. Are their
children who need to be removed from abusive and neglectful homes, yes
there always will be. But, let's not make adoption a simple band aid
cure for all families struggling to support and raise their children.
Parents
who want a child are NOT entitled to one despite what they or others
think or despite a family's circumstances. Children are not commodities to be redistributed to fulfill the wants and desires of others.
One
of my good friends grew up dirt poor. There wasn't much in the house
but they made ends meet and
yes lots of hand me downs, few of any restaurant meals, or expensive
vacations. But, there
was a
lot of
love which
is what children need most.
