An Adoptee's Divided Heart

I laughed out loud, one of those throw your head back, chuckle and snort kinda laughs, when I saw this graphic above.  It's SOOOOO me.  And, part of life is discovering who we really are.  Celebrating the parts we are proud of, and hiding the parts we are not so proud of, and laughing about them too.   And sometimes, denying the really really scary parts we don't know what to do with.  When you are adopted this can become difficult if not impossible when the knowledge of where you came from is withheld from you.  I will always remember getting my non-identifying information stating my birth grandmother was an extremely nervous and anxious person.  And I thought AHA it's NOT a character flaw I inherited it!!!

There are many parts that make up my adopted self.   There is the stronger and more healed version of the “new me” I've become since adoption counseling, workshops, seminars, conferences, and support groups.  There is the “angry me” that comes out of hiding when my feelings and emotions are dismissed or ridiculed, especially by those who buy into the adoption industry propaganda and myths.  There is the “activist me” who comes alive at the first sign I can educate or inform anyone about adoption and adoptee rights.  Lastly, there is the “lost and wounded me” who has been rejected and abandoned and is still at age 52 trying to find her place in the world.  The “little girl” who is never far away and is just below the surface waiting to be triggered by harsh criticism, judgment, ridicule, oh.....and Holidays.

I am many things besides an adoptee.  But it seems that being adopted affects the other parts I am wife, mother, friend, teacher, and writer etc... But I think sometimes being an adoptee there is a portion of you know one ever sees.  A part that we never give away of ourselves that is reserved and held back.   It's self preservation plain and simple.  If I don't fully open myself up to the world then I can never be fully hurt, or rejected, or abandoned...again.

I just have not come to terms that I will never know who my biological family is. Much of that I credit to watching people find and be reunited after decades of search.  A larger part is denial.  In such huge monumental life situations it really can be a great coping tool.  Hopefully someday I can take all the segments of me and combine them into one solid person.  For now, I wait, and I hope, and I write.

I think a lot of my adoption poetry is sappy and syrupy.   But, it is also part of me. The part that is dealing with the trauma of childhood and adoption and the adult I've become because of adoption.  It is probably the closest anyone will ever get to truly knowing who I am as an adoptee, including myself.

Divided Heart

Pieces of me live between what I expose and what's unseen.

Unable to reveal my dread I keep it locked inside instead.

Afraid to show the chasm depth, half-filled with hours that I've wept.

Oceans full of pain I know, and agony I refuse to show.

This shattered soul still hidden well, conceals the terror I have felt.

This fear that I can't bring together the segments that have long been severed.

Until I bridge these separate parts.

I live in this divided heart.

The Powers That Be - Closed Records Adoption

I will never understand the pro-adoption groups and people who promote the system of closed records adoption.  Why is it the truth is important in every other aspect of our lives with the exception of adoption?  People divorce over lies in a marriage, good parents raise their children to be honest, and if you take an oath in court and don't tell the truth it's called perjury.  However, it is widely accepted practice in adoption to keep secrets, withhold facts, and cover up an adoptee's background.

The birth certificate I have is falsified.  It does not contain much reality in it at all.  My "real" authentic birth certificate is sealed by the state.  I am not allowed access to it even with several court petitions.  This is blatant discrimination.  No other citizen of this country is denied their original birth certificates except adoptees.

I wrote this below after my first court petition denial in '99.  It may seem extreme to those who aren't bound by the system of adoption.  Adoption took from me the knowledge of my family of origin.  It took too the truth about my life.  And, it took my ability to know where I came from and to know who I really am.

The Powers That Be

You took away my family.
You took away my home.
You erased away my history and most of it is gone.
What gives to you the right to do this injustice unto me?
How can you be so blinded?
How is it you can't see?
You're stealing from the innocent are you so unaware?
You're playing God with all our lives, did you think we wouldn't care?
Who gave to you authority to decide how we should live?
Who granted you this power?
It was not theirs to give.
You treat us as possessions.
We are not yours to own.
How did you get the notion you can tell me where is home?
Do not dictate to me about how I should live my life.
Or who I can call mother.
Then take away my rights.
The answers to life's questions you say I need not know.
You're asking the impossible the questions only grow.
What it is I'm asking for is for you to understand.
Until I have those answers I can not know who it is I am!

Adoption subtracts and divides

I touched briefly yesterday on the links in life that adoption severs.  My posts during NaBloPoMo and Adoption awareness month will be brief due to my arm injury.  So, I'm going to post another poem and may do so for the remainder of the month, at least until I'm better.

Adoption does not guarantee a child of a good home.  It just offers them a different one.  I fell through the cracks of adoption.  My mother at age 17 wanted me, no one else wanted her to keep so I was relinquished to adoption.  It was not a money issue it was a social stigma issue.  My adoptive parents couldn't bond with me.  I lost out on belonging in two families.  It didn't have to be that way but adoption dictated it did.

Sometimes all the words in the world get lost in translation.  Art can speak volumes.  I hope the poem below does that for those who can't comprehend the darker side of adoption.  This side so many of us live.

Equations

They say that one and one makes two but I'm not sure if this is true.
In this case one and one made three explaining how I came to be.
Then three came in between the sum divides them back to one and one.
These equations seem to break all the laws of give and take.
But life not always plays by rules, nor by facts we learned in school.
I know this all so very well and only hope to "show and tell".
When one and one took separate paths that no one needs to "do the math".
To know this story problem's mine.
I'm the remainder left behind.

National Adoption Awareness Month - I'm all too aware

Being rejected by family is not unusual.  Most families have their problems and issues.  And, it's tough to take.  In adoption the emotions multiply, because many of us are rejected by not one, but two families.  And, several times over at that.  From birth, to adoption, to search, to reunion, it can be confusing, overwhelming, frustrating, and I can go on with adjectives but you get the "picture" as provided above.  Adoption is not the cure all for unplanned pregnancies.  It does not "fix" what is wrong.  It simply changes it.  As adoptees, we need to be heard, and understood, but mostly, we need the truth.


Life's Links

As flower to bee, as leaf to tree, as cloud to sky and rain.
As foot to toe, as face to nose, as person to a name.
Together these like fish to sea forever will belong.
Just as notes an artist wrote, or lyrics to a song.
Like tracks to a train this perpetual chain is what the world's based on.
There's links between each living thing, and dusk that turns to dawn.
A lost key to a lock, a stopped hand on a clock, are vital connections gone.
Like pasts left behind that we need to find in order to carry on.
I hope you know what I'm trying to show, the point I'm attempting to make.
Like a child to its mother, or sister and brother, some bonds aren't meant to break.

And The Truth Shall Set You Free - Except in Adoption

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.  ~Aldous Huxley

And when you realize the lack of ethics and truth in adoption it does!  Most people who really have never looked at adoption through the eyes of an adoptee, or other parties involved first hand, have only the sugar coated terms and vocabulary to use that has been fed to the masses by the adoption industry for decades.  The adoption industry has been incredibly convincing of the great wonders and magic of creating families by adoption, but are not ever very forth coming about the harsh realities it revolves around.  Why would they?  Their jobs, income, and future depend on maintaining control of adoption in whatever capacity they can.  Damage control comes in many forms with "National Adoption Month", Press Releases, and happy stories of families who were brought together by "God".  However, they fail to mention first they were separated by "man".  Plus they sprinkle their preconceived notions and expectations with terms of “grateful” and “thankful” and promote the happy adoptee image who was “given a family who wanted them”.  They don't tell you how many tens thousands of dollars they earn from buying and selling our human rights, and off of separating us from our families of origin.

There is just so my hypocrisy between what we are taught and told in regards to how to treat other people and deal with the rest of the world, and how the business of adoption functions. Most people either don't realize, or over look these problems and issues, because they are convinced by the industry propaganda who continue to want to be the exclusive authority about how adoption is supposed to function.  The truth is adoptees are bound by written law, policy, procedure, and by the expectations of others who profit from it, and continue to control adoptees lives past and future.  Here are just a few examples of the contradictions between reality and adoption.

“Tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth."  We pledge this on a bible in court and if caught not doing so we can be charged with perjury and punished.  This is what our legal system is based on truth telling, facts, and not fiction.  My ammended birth certificate is a fictitious and falsified government document.  My biological parents are lieing to their children about my existence.  My life is based on lies, but I am expected to adhere to honest behavior and will continually be held accountable for it throughout my life.

“Thou shalt not lie” one of the great ten commandments . I was raised by this one.  Although it seems to be forgotten and over looked in adoption.  What part of lieing to adopted children and adults is healthy for them?  I thought good parents led by example?  I found out that my adoptive parents had been withholding information, crucial, vital, life changing information from me about my adoption that could have made a huge difference in my life.  It has taken awhile but I have forgiven them.  They were also victims in the “blank slate theory” that was fed to them by the industry, as well as, the ownership premise for the children obtained by adoption means. 

“You are only as good as your word”.   Many adoption agencies, social workers, and lawyers too lie, cover up, and deny adoptees, biological parents, and adoptive parents the truth in many adoption situations.   If you don't believe me look up how many law suits have been brought against The Gladney Center for Adoption and how many have been settled out of court. Count how many adoption agencies have been closed down for fraudulent activities, and corrupt lawyers who have been sued, disbarred, and charged with illegal transactions in adoption.  Child trafficking is not something that happens in a country “over there”, it is alive and well in this country and thriving being labeled as “adoption”.

 

Money talks and I can certainly attest and bear witness to its power in adoption.  It's a harsh reality and one that is hard to truly comprehend, except for those of us who have experienced it up close and personal.  There should be integrity in adoption not the manipulation and subjugation of adoptees by the industry.  I will never, ever, give up fighting for the restored rights for adoptees to access to their original birth certificates along with the truth that has been hidden, covered up, and stripped from us for decades.

If a thousand old beliefs were ruined in our march to truth we must still march on.  ~Stopford Brooke

 

 

 

40th Birthday Card from my Mother

In 2000 my mother and I exchanged non-id letters through the adoption court.  Mostly, we described ourselves and our lives, our likes, our habits, and our hobbies.  In that first letter I told my mother a handful of things like I enjoy collecting baskets and shells, I loved to garden, and especially loved writing.  And, my favorite color has always been green, the color of both of our eyes.

She responded back to me which I blogged about recently http://assemblingself.blogspot.com/2011/08/letter-from-my-mother.html.  It was heart wrenching but her words were beautiful and her message heart felt and honest.  I told the CI her letter was the greatest 40^th birthday gift I could even imagine receiving.

A month later I received an envelope from the adoption court and opened it to find a card inside.  The front was green, the color of our eyes, with a basket full of ivy, shells, flowers, with a pen and a pencil laying at its side.  I looked immediately on the back.  It was in fact a Hallmark.  It was signed “Happy 40^th Birthday.    Love your Birth Mother”.

Overwhelmed would be an understatement.  I thought of the amount of time it took her to sort through cards to find the perfect statement she wanted to make. It was so much more than “Happy Birthday” or “Thinking of you” it was “I was listening”.  Which translates to rejected adoptees as “I care, I paid attention, your words were important.”  I didn't get much of that in my younger adopted life.

Unfortunately after that, communication was shut down by her and it's been twelve years since I have had any news or mail from her with the exception of one updated family medical request.  She had requested time to tell her immediate family and close friends about me.  Obviously something changed her mind, much to my devastation.

I have kept hope alive in some capacity all of these years.  I think it's self preservation.  Confronting the truth that I have been abandoned by two families is just too much for my adopted mind to grasp.  My search information is posted and easy to find.   I wonder if she has looked up adoption reform work as I had told her I was involved in it. I pray someday maybe there is another mother who speaks to her of her own relinquishment, and can get my mother to open up about hers.

Fifty two years have passed and the shame and stigma of a pregnancy out of wedlock still hold so much power over people.   We lost each other that long ago because of adoption.  We've lost decades of knowing one another and her allowing me to know my siblings.  I'm about out of hope that will ever change.

Damaged Adoptees

Damaged people come mostly in two forms, victims and survivors.  I am glad to have made it from the first into the second category.   Adoption can and does damage people that is a fact no arguments on that will be heard by me I know better, WAY better.  I am not here to stand in judgment, only in experience.

I am adopted.  I don't know who I really am, or where I came from.  Without bonding to my adoptive family I have always felt a loner, an orphan, and a misfit. It's a pain I would never wish upon anyone.   So, I try to be the cohesive glue within the adoptee community to bring people together, and a voice for the under dog who hasn't found theirs yet.

I was semi-shocked yesterday when I was told I was an angry person living a “Defeatist life”.  Now, when it comes to adoption I am used to being judged, condemned, and labeled by those who have no real or true understanding of who I am and what happened to me because of adoption, but not usually by others adoptees.  That tends to sting more as I can usually chalk nonadopted person's judgment into the same category as I do of those who just haven't worn or lived in our shoes.  They simple can't know.  What is sad is some damaged adoptees never get better, recover, or even realize there is anything wrong with them.  We call this “the fog”.

As adoptees, we can have certain weaknesses, triggers, and issues we struggle with that differ from non-adopted people.  I have been lucky to have received a good deal of counseling, therapy and help through adoption support groups online and offline, workshops, conferences, and seminars.  I love to be able to give back to others the compassion, unconditional acceptance, and healing they want and need.  I was given the best by the best and can't stand those who are struggling in the dark grasping for something to hang on to that makes sense, and for a little light to shine on their situations.  Adoption can be a crazy mixed up mess of confusion coupled with the world giving you all kinds of unsolicited advice and unrequested input without understanding ANY of it.  It can and will drive you nearly crazy whether you let it or not.

Unfortunately, some adoptees will continue down the path of life holding tight to defense mechanisms, anger, and making everyone around them suffer along with them.  They blame, judge, and alienate people and when confronted turn the tables and make themselves out to be victims.  It is defeating to those who have a hard time reaching out to others and frustrating for those of us who are trying to help people to do so.   But, I also know this comes with speaking out about adoption not only to the world, but to other adoptees as well.  I've also gotten caught up and dragged into playing the blame and shame game and it's not fun and there are no real winners.  It's not a matter of who is right or who is wrong it's about respect for others, their experiences, and knowing no matter how much you know you never really know it all.

Let me say this loud and clear there is NOTHING wrong with being wrong.  I was wrong yesterday, I'll be wrong today, and I'll be wrong again tomorrow.  That is the human condition, and that is human nature.  I learned long ago that holding tight to being constantly right was exhausting and that no one person is right all the time.  And if you are wrong, your world will not crumble.   It can be very scary for adoptees to even fathom there is anything wrong or to truly look at the personal monsters and demons that lurk within adoption issues.  It has been unmapped territory in the past and for far too long.  We can become lost, alone, and frightened not knowing the path to find where we belong and fit in in the world.  It has been uncharted water, deep water, sometimes frightening and dark.  It can suck us down, or drag us out of the reach of help like a bad rip tide, and nearly drown us in over whelming emotion, despair, and defeat.

I want to help other adoptees find their own personal coping tools and mechanisms.  I want others to not spend years wasting time and life in addiction, anger, pain, and lashing out, and suffering as I did.  I want to know that at the end of my own life, I knew I had accomplished as much of that as I could.