Adoption And Identity Loss

"We shall not cease our explorations, and the end of our exploring will be to arrive back where we started and know the place for the first time" -- T.S. Eliot

From birth children look into their parent's eyes and mirrored back are similar smiles, eyes, voices, and faces.  In adoption that is missing.  Many people say they feel like outsiders in their biological families and that they don't fit in and try to compare that to being adopted.  I understand that in many cases this is true, but not nearly in the capacity that adoptees do with no shared heredity to the families they are adopted into.  It can make adoptees feel isolated and ostracized especially when the subject is one that is misunderstood, and is refused to be discussed and addressed in adoptive families.

I am just one example of mismatched genetics in adoption.  My adoptive parents are quiet, conservative, introverted, and undemonstrative.  I am talkative, extroverted, nonconformist, and emotional.  Neither is right or wrong.  They just are both very different.  Add to that the lack of any physical characteristics being the same, and include the expectation of an adoptee fit in, and the whole situation is set up for failure. 

When I obtained my non-identifying information and letter from my natural mother through the adoption courts (no names, cities, addresses given) I was overwhelmingly happy and surprised to learn that I am absolutely a product of genetics. From physical description, to hobbies, to personality, and even down to handwriting.  What a wonderful revelation to finally know at least a part of who and why I am.

I have had the privilege over the years to watch hundreds of reunions between adoptees and their families of origin.  To finally be able to see pieces of yourself in others physically is something adoptees appreciate and celebrate more than those who grew up with it.  Knowing where your sense of humor, your habits, likes and dislikes stem from gives you validation of who you are.  I know I am always comparing my friend's family photos and finding similarities between children and parents, sisters and brothers, grandparents and grand children.  I have watched adoptees and natural parents do the same when finally finding one another and the intense jubilation and celebration that comes for it.  Not knowing who and where you come from is a void in our lives that will always long to be filled.

Missing Ties - Adoption Loss

Missing Ties

A missing sock whose mate is gone.

A distant pair apart so long.

A broken bridge never rebuilt.

Like patches missing from a quilt.

An unfinished letter misplaced and lost.

Undotted I's and T's not crossed.

A phone line with connections broken.

Important words that can't be spoken.

And in each stranger on the street.

We search the faces that we meet,

To find out who it is we are.

The distant ties that seems so far.

Short blog today for NAAM as I am battling immense pain from the usual health issues.  Once again today I found myself defending adoptees who were called pathetic and bitter.  I am mature enough, as the accuser pointed out, to realize these accusations come from those who have no true understanding of adoptee issues.  But, the reality is they exist in our lives no matter what "others" try and tell us.  The lines of this poem are symbolic of the disconnections we encounter in this thing called "being adopted.

We have to walk these in these adopted shoes each and every day.  Adoption is not a one time transaction, it is a life time experience.  Adoption is forever not something you "get over".  We learn to deal and heal from the scars and wounds adoption gives us, and go on to hopefully give our understanding to others.

Much thanks and love to my fellow adoption educators, reformers, and activists.  You help make my life worth living.  And yes, somewhere I inherited that sappy gene...thanks first Mom & Dad. :)

Adoption And God

I'm steppping into a land mine on this one for sure.  But, I can not resign myself any longer to listen to people prattle on to me about God and adoption.  I long ago stopped being served God and adoption together on a silver platter and acquiesing to it.

I am weary of adoptive parents and others claiming, and writing poems about, God's "will" or "plan" brought adopted children to families.  Really?  Did God show up on the door step to deliver them, and if so did anyone get pictures of this blessed event?  Or, were you notified by God via phone?  Fax?  Email?  And, if so can ya hook me up?  I sure do have a pile of questions for God regarding adoption.

Was it God that chose for me to be taken from my natural mother who wanted to keep me, and to be adopted by two mentally, emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive parents who had a biological child that was loved and adored?  Was it God who then allowed me to be adopted into a system of secrets and lies and then rejected and abandoned by two sets of parents?  Was it God who gave me a body ridden with hereditary and genetic illnesses young with no recourse or help from my adoptive parents to get vital updated medical history for doctors like other nonadopted persons can?  Am I being punished for some original sin, my natural parents perhaps?

And, is it God's will that woman are impregnated through rape, or first mothers/parents murdered or killed tragically, so others can have a child?  Was it God that made adoptive parents infertile so they would have to covet other people's children and buy them?  Is it God who ordains subsidies and tax breaks for adoption? I have a hard time believing any "God" would do this to, or for, anyone.  I have a harder time believing God has anything to do with adoption.

There are certain sites on Facebook and the internet proclaiming over and over how adoption is preordained by God.  And OH how I wish these people would stop quoting bible verses to me about adoption.  I fail to see how a loving God would cause so much pain and suffering for adoptees and natural parents to create families for adoptive parents.  The bible can be used for anything you wish it to mean.  I've read it front to back several times and I'd love to apply “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth” to the adoption industry.

Here are just a few more statements that just make me cringe and writhe in anger and frustration:

"Adopted children are a gift from God".  Really?  I thought gifts were supposed to be given freely.  So, if we see a child as a gift from God, then isn't adoption "regifting"?  Also, I have never received a gift I had to pay large amounts of cash for.  Then, it wouldn't be a gift it would be a possession I bought outright, for myself.  And certainly to me and others adopted children thought of as gifts, taken from their natural parents, erasing their biological identities, and given to strangers does not seem ethical or Godly.  How does one rationalize these behaviors and decisions with God's plan?   I fail to understand.

“God answered our prayers with our adopted child".  Do prayers as adoptive parents take precedence over the prayers of a biological parent or grand parent to keep that child within the family?  Is it God's will then that these children lose their families of origin to answer the prayers of adoptive parents?  Does this mean adoptive parents are higher up on the prayer chain?

How will it be handled when adopted children begin asking about, and searching for, their biological family, IF that is they are ever told they are adopted to begin with.  So many adoptive parents believe that hiding the truth and concealing adoptees from their identies is ok and their right as the "real" parents to their adopted children.  So, it's stated in the ten commandmants “Thou shalt not lie”.  I don't remember any loop hole containing "except in adoption".  I was taught at a young age in Sunday school that lying was a sin.  Is it ok to eliminate the truth for your adopted children if you believe your intentions are good?

A comment now from the adoption book “How God brought us you”; “I appreciate how clear it's made that God brought mother and baby together.”  Clearly?  Really?  Because it doesn't seem clear at all to me.  In fact, it's pretty damn muddied.  I didn't get any announcement from the adoption court judge or confidential intermediary about God placing me where I was, nor was it in my non-identifying information.  Adoption agencies and lawyers arrange adoptions for profit and try to coerce mothers out of their children through propaganda and pie in the sky promises.  Government policy and law allows for falsifications of birth certificates for adoptees.   I sure hope “you reap what you sow” applies to all of them.

“Honor Thy Father and Mother”. Which set?  The ones who abused and rejected me, or the ones who refuse contact with me?  I'm confused on this one.

And lastly, “God doesn't give you more than you can handle” in relation to being adopted.  I call bull S&%$ on that one. No further elaboration needed just read the stories of adoptees and first parents out there, and those that have taken their lives out of sheer pain from it.

So either this is all a huge crap shoot, or this was a path that I chose to enter in life on this earth for whatever lessons and growth I needed spiritually.  The latter makes a lot more sense to me.  But I have no right to dictate to anyone else what is God's will and plan or not.

My faith, and I am stating it is MY faith and no one else's belief system, has gotten me through the difficult times of my life.  As an adoptee I am not a gift, I am not an answer to anyone's prayers, and I don't thank God for being adopted.  I don't believe God had anything to do with my being adopted.  My experience is that the era of stigma and shame over women becoming pregnant out of wedlock and unmarried, and a social experiment that was created by government agencies and institutions called closed records adoption, were.

So, if you believe God brings people children through adoption that is your right.  Just remember that does not give anyone the authority to decree what is God's intention, or not, when it comes to adoption.  No one can claim to have proof or the answers, nor will we ever.  None of us.

Tales From The Adopted Side

Most of my life I was confused, lost, and without anyone who understood why I felt about adopted life as I did. I was given comparisons to bad biological families who were as dysfunctional as mine.  I was accused of wallowing in self-pity and to forget it and not think about being adopted.  If they only knew how I wished I could.

But, I couldn't, most adoptees can't either. I had heard about people finding one another on the internet, and as I had gone back to school, a computer seemed to be the answer to help handle both.  At first, I got lost in chat rooms, big surprise huh, but one day I plugged “adoptee” into the search box. What I found forever changed my life.

Not only did I find resources to begin my search for my biological family, I found those who were working to change the system of adoption.  I became obsessed, not just with searching, but with these groups who seemed to be making significant progress in adoption reform.  I had been a person fairly home centered with my family. Most of my life revolved around them, and work, and school.  But my life was about to drastically change, and for once, for the better.

I joined a local support and activism group on and offline.  I was attending monthly meetings, reading, learning, and absorbing everything I could.  It was announced, in 1999, that there would be a rally at the capital in support of adult adoptee access to original birth certificates.  I decided then I was going and no one was going to stop me.  So, I promptly told my husband I was driving to Austin for this event.  He scoffed and said he didn't want to go.  I told him fine, I was going anyway.  He seemed a bit shocked, but doubtful I would actually go, but I was adamant I was really going to do this.  I remember starting to pack a couple of days previous to leaving and he commented “You are really going aren't you?”  I said YEP, and you and our son can either come with me or not, the choice is yours.  This was the beginning of the new person I was about to become.

So, we packed up the car and headed out for Austin.  I was nervous, anxious, and excited at the prospect of what I was about to experience. I got to the capitol and met up with “my people”.  I was in awe of the stir of emotion and activity taking place before me. I remember meeting a fellow adoptee outside and exchanging stories.  I was FINALLY in the company of those who GOT IT.  It was absolutely spine tingling and amazing being in the presence of adoption reformers who were actually trying to change adoption law!

At the rally outside the Capital Christina Crawford was there to speak in support of our legislative efforts.  I was about to meet the author of “Mommie Dearest”, someone who I had identified with since I had seen the movie.  She began to take the podium and I asked my husband to watch my son.  I was mesmerized by her speech and hung on her every word.  That was, I until I realized my son had run up on to the steps where she was speaking and said “Hi”. Christina stopped, looked down, and paused.  All went silent.  And, what does an insecure adoptee hate more than being the focus of unwanted attention?  Yeah.

I turned about seventeen shades of red and went and got my son.  I thought, well there ya go the woman you wanted SO badly to meet now won't want to meet you!  I was wrong because when I approached her to apologize she was most gracious and understanding.  In meeting up with her again a year or so later at an adoption conference I said “Do you remember me, my son was the one who interrupted your speech in Austin?”  To which she smiled and immediately replied, “Oh yes, how are you?”  We conversed over a glass of wine and shared an elevator ride.  So, I now am memorable in Christina Crawford's life. How cool is THAT?

Before I knew it I was getting to do newspaper interviews, http://www.dallasobserver.com/2000-06-08/news/prying-open-the-past/, a brief snippet on local TV (it was only about one minute so I have fourteen minutes left on my claim to fame), The Seeker Radio show several times and a couple of times as guest host.  I was traveling to regional and national adoption conferences and events.  I was elected and asked to represent and lead adoption activism groups.  I wrote and published my adoption poetry book (in bad format I know never EVER sign off on a manuscript when you've been in at Children's hospital for a week with your son in ICU on NO sleep) called "Assembling Self".  I was invigorated each day I got out of bed and I had a sense of accomplishment and pride I had never had before.

I am not usually some one who brags, but I am proud.  Proud that I could be a part of the progress that is adoption reform in whatever capacity I can. I have not been able to be as active in the past few years due to personal issues and health problems.  So many others have done so much more than I think I could ever do.  But, I learn from their work and their examples daily.  I meet new people every day signing up, donating their precious time, energy, and stories for the greater good.  We have so much to do and anyone can advocate for adoptee rights, not just adoptees, or natural parents, or adoptive parents, or those with direct connections to adoption.  PLEASE JOIN US!

What Adoption Means To Me

A friend posted a link to a site where the question was asked "What does adoption meant to you?"

http://nationaladoptioncenter.blogspot.com/2010/11/what-does-adoption-mean-to-you.html

It was prefaced with the comment "I wanted to find out from the most important people in the adoption conversation – the parents, what adoption means to them."  I take offense to that!  Once again the most important people in adoption, adoptees who adoption is supposed to be in place to provide for, were left out of the equation.  Natural parents, par for the course, were not included either.

The first comments are from adoptive parents and the usual "Adoption is love" blah blah blah.  One left me wanting to puke "adoption was our dreamcatcher."  Well, as an adoptee glad to be of "service".    What a burden to place upon the head of a child to complete other people's dreams and lives.  Perhaps that is not what was meant but that has certainly been my experience, and the experience of others.  Do I believe that there are adoptive parents who adopt to support the dreams and lives of adoptees?  Absolutely.  Unfortunately, the reality of what adoption does to adoptees is most frequently either denied, dismissed, or harshly judged.

So let me state it loud and clear what adoption means to me.

Adoption to me means being taken from my first mother who wanted to keep me and given to a family who abused me verbally, mentally, and emotionally. Who later, had a biological child who was loved and adored. It means rejection and abandonment two fold.  It means becoming ill in my teens and suffering multiple genetic and hereditary health issues with no family medical history to give doctors and languishing for decades in ill health with hit or miss, mostly miss, tests and treatments, and losing a great majority of my life in and out of doctors and hospitals without answers, unable to work.  It means trying to obtain vital medical background for doctors with only an amended birth certificate in hand filled with falsifications and lies, and adoptive parents who did not care to try and help me.  It means years of court petitions to a judge through an adoption court to try and get as much updated family medical information upon doctors urgent requests and adoption laws and policies that treat me as a perpetual child unable to handle the truth about my own biological family.  Adoption for me means loss, and pain, and immense sadness.

These are not stories the adoption industry wants to acknowledge.  These are not emotions adoptive parents want to hear.  These are not experiences the general public understands as truths that exists in adoption.  But they are ours, and they beg to be heard and acknowledged.  Adoptees are speaking loudly, and clearly, that the system of adoption is in need of a major over haul.

Adoption is separating natural families to create new ones.  Adoption is based on loss and pain.  Adoption is the government stealing our identities, issuing us false ones, and profiting off of that!  THESE are the facts and truths that need to be listened to and heard in the month of National Adoption Awareness.

The Great “State” of Texas & Child Welfare

The recent facts and statistics for families and their children growing up in Texas are pretty grim. It's some of the worst and most depressing news I've had the displeasure of presenting. This all has a direct impact on children who can be separated from their biological families, placed in the foster care system, for simply having parents who are poor. Biological parents should not be deemed unfit and have their parental rights terminated because of poverty. Children who are adopted out of the foster care system can lose their biological family ties forever, and in Texas upon adoption birth certificates are sealed to adoptees, biological parents, and adoptive parents.

Four out of ten people in Texas classified as living in poverty are children (about $22,000 per year for a family of four in 2009). Texas’ aid system, which includes programs like food stamps, unemployment, and Medicaid, ranks second to last in the country for the share of needy, eligible people, who receive benefits. Only about two percent of Texas’ poor children receive benefits under the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program, in part due to the difficulty of accessing funds.

Texas has little funding for CCMS (Child Care Management Services) for low income families to help parents with child care to enable them to go work. And ours, is a state that has the highest rate of children without health insurance and access to decent medical care. To qualify for child care or medical help extremely low income requirements and asset limits restrict eligibility. Texas has the highest rate of children at the risk of becoming homeless, or living homeless in the country. "Women and children are the fastest growing population of homeless nationally and in the Dallas area," said Mike Faenza, president and chief executive officer of the Metro Dallas Homeless Alliance.

I've been told that child poverty in Texas occurs because of our immigrant family population. But, six states with equal or higher percentages of children in immigrant families than Texas have lower, and some cases much lower, child poverty rates. People say those who can't afford children shouldn't have them. These children are already here, let's not punish them for it.  Parents who are divorced in Texas can be bound by child custody laws that prohibit them from leaving the county or state with their children, which can bar them from moving in with, or near, extended families members for help.  Anyone can easily lose their financial stability through one job loss, one illness, or through divorce. I am not suggesting life long reliance on welfare I am asking that help families stay together with temporary assistance.

As of January 2010 79.7% of children were in foster care for the reason of neglect and medical neglect. “Neglect” can be simply be determined as failure to provide adequate food, clothing, shelter, or medical care. Poverty is not a reason to separate families. Here in Texas families have the chance of falling into poverty at a greater rate than nearly any other state in the nation. Pulling yourself up by your proverbial bootstraps can take an overwhelming, if not impossible effort. Foster parents, are often given and offered resources, such as financial subsidies, help from social workers, physical and mental aid for the children.  Adoptive parents can receive tax credits for adopting and can be eligible for benefits such as CCMS.  Why first instead aren't resources offered to biological parents to help keep families intact?

We all know the foster care system is ridden with problems and abuse for children as well.  We will always have parents who have no desire to parent, who are unfit to parent, and children that need to be removed from homes because of it.  But, foster care, and foster care adoption, should occur for children who have no biological family member who wants to and can care for them, are in imminent danger, and in cases of outright abuse. We should be promoting family preservation NOT family separation.

The Land of Adoption & Politics

I am not feeling well today and have to deal with the CI and adoption courts, and that always makes me sick to my stomach and gives me a headache, but I felt the need to blog about this. So, below is what it is. There is so much more I could expand upon but just not right now please excuse typos and grammar I am exhausted.

I was a little surprised, and at this point anything about adoption does not really surprise me much, at the reaction of some towards President Obama's proclamation on National Adoption Awareness month. He was accused of leaving out the real issues in adoption and ignoring adoptee rights. This is true, as usual, that adoptees and first family were ignored and it's all about adoptive parents and the families they are creating. But, President Obama's National Adoption Awareness proclamation was nothing much different than George W. Bush's proclamation in 2008. Same spiel, rhetoric, and homage paid to the adoptive parents and the adoption industry as a whole. I guess I am a little more used to this than many others, as I reside in the land where adoption and politics are bedfellows, more than usual.

I am lucky enough to live in the great state of Texas, the land of The Gladney Center for Adoption, where adoption and politics have had a long and incestuous relationship. George W. Bush and his wife Laura at one point in time were going to adopt from The Gladney Center for Adoption until they got pregnant with twins. George Jr.'s brother Marvin and his wife adopted two children from Gladney. Gladney and the Bush family have a connection of supporting the raising of funds for Gladney, contributions, and supporting the perpetuation of the closed records system of adoption.

In 1997, and 1999, when adoptee rights groups were advocating legislation for adult adoptee access to original birth certificates in Texas, George W. Bush, as Governor of Texas, took the unusual step of attending a House committee meeting to alert lawmakers that he would veto the bill if it passed.  In 2007 a representative from the adoption agency using the Gladney name was the only speaker at both the House and Senate hearings on the identical companion bills, HB 525 and SB 221, to speak out against this legislation (Thank you Bill Betzen I took this from your Gladney site) for adoptees right to access to their OBC's. Gladney is the only real opponent we have in Texas working against adoption reform. The Bushes continue to this day to donate money and time to Gladney.

Once again, it's not about what's right in adoption it's about profits and what money can buy in the way of children, and votes.