Assembling Self

Thursday, August 30, 2012


No message from the telephone.
No telegrams while I was home.
No mail came though I checked the box.
No cryptic secrets were unlocked.
No headline in the daily news.
No printed words to lend me clues.
No response to questions asked,
as weeks, and months, and years drift past.
Still waiting for a sign or word,
the time my voiceless pleas are heard.
But only silence resounds instead.
Another day, unvisited.

I survived the adoptee birthday this year fairly well after dealing with the fourth adoption court petition denial for identifying information from my biological parents.  Instead of a lot of angst and turmoil there was only mild depression.  A depression that is always there and pokes it head out at the usual Holiday periods and observations and life triggers.

I just heard it put that depression is like the fear that the sun won't rise.  Well stated but I'll go a little further.  For me the depression from being adopted and being rejected twice is like knowing the sun will rise and shine on everyone but me.  It might sound a little extreme but that's how I feel.

It's not about not being alone I can do that just fine.  I've been a wife a great portion of my life and a mother for nearly 30 years.  Alone time I crave and yes probably because of being left out of two families it became my norm.  And what wife and mother doesn't enjoy the simple sound of silence for a period of time.  The type of silence I am talking about is deafeningly loud.

Cosmically alone in the universe detached from family is a different type of alone animal.  It's also the belief that someone you caused and were responsible for it.  What person wouldn't question why they were given away by their own family?  I've finally arrived at the knowledge that it is not my fault but I spent far too many years believing that it was so and not just of my own creation either.  Knowing it's not my fault doesn't really make me feel much better.  I am still the odd person out in two families.  I hate admitting this weakness and vulnerability but I am still looking for that kind of love and connection in my life.

I now know how to cope and deal with most of it, writing being one of them, but I shouldn't HAVE to grieve the loss of my biological name and knowledge of my original family forever.  Not knowing where you came from and the search for self is an unending journey for many adoptees..  Being a wife and mother is fulfilling, but it does not complete or fill the gaps left in the fabric of my soul.

“If you don't receive love from the ones who are meant to love you, you will never stop looking for it.”
Robert Goolrick, The End of the World as We Know It: Scenes from a Life

Sunday, August 12, 2012


The term "related" takes on a whole different meaning for adoptees.  It's a strange concept misunderstood by most and continually being redefined by adoption agencies, groups, and the people involved in it.  But good or bad adoption law or term depending on the viewpoint, it doesn't change the emotional course being adopted sets you on from birth as an adoptee.

Being adopted you have two families.  Whether you accept one, the other, or both, even if you don't know anything about the one you were born from, they are still out there existing and always a part of who you are.  Even if you deny any acceptance and live only within and from your adoptive family there is no way you can not look in a mirror and see the evidence every day staring back at you.

One family you share years, stories, and a history with.  Another, you share biology, genetics, and genealogy with and then pass them along to your own children.  Sometimes you can piece the two together to form lasting bonds, but many times you can end up feeling disconnected from both due to a wide variety of reasons.  I am nothing like my adoptive family and not accepted by my biological family in fact, not even recognized at all.  More like swept under the rug and forgotten without any recourse to get closure about who I really am.

I also feel left out of a large part of the world of adoptees as well.  I am stuck in limbo without the ability to find my biological family.  Four court petitions have been denied to receive identifying information and there just not enough I have to go on to find.  Obviously a good amount of secrecy was requested by my biological grandparents which my biological mother feels allegiance to still.  A great amount of apathy from my biological father who walked away from my mother and me 53 years ago, and then denied any information upon my urgent request for updated medical information via the adoption courts.  Neither of my "parents" will tell their children I exist.

I've sat back in the corner for over thirteen years now watching reunions, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I'm fully aware of the difference between rights and reunions.  And now, all I am asking for is MY information.  Plain and simple I want MY truth.  Adopted or not, it is what all people deserve to have.